


Self-Titled

by aliens_arereal



Category: Bandom, I Don't Know How But They Found Me (Band), My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternative Universe - Teachers, Angst, Dallon and Tyler are friends since high school, Depression, Divorce, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pregnancy, Smut, Some Fluff, Songfic-ish?, Suicide, Unrequited Love, litteraly everyone's a teacher except Jenna, praying in the shower, the word "gay" isn't used so much for some reason, this is kind of a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-31
Updated: 2018-12-25
Packaged: 2019-05-16 15:32:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14814068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliens_arereal/pseuds/aliens_arereal
Summary: Tyler is an unhappy man with the perfect life, then he meest someone that changes that all.Joshler AU based off the Twenty One Pilots self-titled album.(btw, this is the first time I ever publish something on AO3)





	1. Johnny Boy

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! So, I have been reading on ao3 for like three years now, and now I decided to publish something here! Sorry if it isn't that great both in a story and grammatical level, English isn't my first lenguage and I think this is kind of a messy thing in general, but I still enjoyed writting it, and I hope you enjoy reading it.

He looked at her, blue eyes that shone in the sun like the ocean, blonde hair that was put in a messy bun. To anyone, she would’ve been the most beautiful woman in existence, the woman you wanted to be your wife, or you wanted to be.   
But he didn’t think about her that way.  
The ring in his hand said otherwise, being the permanent union between the two of them that he had to love her that he had to be with her for the rest of their mortal lives. But he just didn’t feel that way. He didn’t want to have that permanent union holding him to someone he didn’t love, he didn’t want to spend the rest of his life with her. He just didn’t love her. But he had to hide that.  
-Tyler- Her voice took him out of his spiraling train of thoughts, he focused again on her eyes—Honey, we have to get ready- He nodded, looking away from her and starting to go up to their room.  
-You can go shower, all I need is put presentable clothes- He explained with a smile on his face, and he learned that if he wanted to look sincere to her, he just had to pretend she was his best friend and not his wife, which has been working for the last few years.  
-But don’t go with your Adidas jumper again- She said in a joking manner, but he could tell she was being serious, so he just nodded and opened the closet, searching for something to wear.  
He sometimes wished he could’ve told the truth, went up to his parents and just spill all he had to say before they put him up to the first date he had with her. But he just kept quiet and accepted everything. Accepted when her sisters told him that she was head over heels for him. Accepted when his dad said he thought it was the time to buy the ring. Accepted when he said ‘I do’ in the church. Accepted saying ‘I love you’ when he never meant that.  
He also accepted her hand in his, the way their fingers seemed to match perfectly, but there still was something wrong, the way he smiled at her like he had to, the way his parents smiled at each other. He accepted the way he kissed her in the cheek before closing the door to their house that they had bought to build a family he had also accepted, but not wanted.  
When they got to the restaurant, everyone was chatting with each other, her family was on one side of the table, his family on the other, they were all formally dressed, suits and long dresses. They were also with the same etiquette, he had a plain black suit with a white shirt, while she had a wine color dress that was loose, but still looked beautiful on her; and her black heels left them with the same height.  
-Tyler! Jenna! Look at you both, beautiful as always- Her mother said, his mother-in-law; a smile on her face, he hugged her with a smile on his face, but he felt like going away.  
They both sat next to each other, both separating their families. Everyone ordered a bottle of wine, except Jenna, she ordered a glass of water. He didn’t pay attention to it, he knew she wasn’t big on drinking, but he needed at least a glass of wine now, his thoughts were destroying him and it seemed that just a tiny bit of alcohol would help him.  
-So, Jen, why did you call us here today?- His mother asked, Tyler made a confused face, she called them there? He thought that it was actually his sister-in-law who made the call to unite the both families.  
-Well, I wanted to call you all here so I can tell you something important- She started, her voice sweet and filled with joy—something I haven’t told anyone yet and I think will be a joy for everyone- Her smile made her shine, but again, Tyler didn’t feel those butterflies in his stomach while looking at her, he did feel his insides mix up, not knowing what was she going to say, she stood up, smile bigger than ever—I’m pregnant- Tyler felt his eyes open in surprise, his mouth falling agape, her mother started to cry, his sister put her hands over her mouth, his dad smiled so big it looked like it hurt, her dad on the other hand stood up and hugged her.  
There was no way she could be pregnant, they were taking measures, they were making sure to not make a slip, sure, they were in the economic stability to have a child, but he didn’t feel like he could be a parent, not now.  
-Jen…I’m…we’re going to be parents- He said with a smile, hoping that would mask his need to run away and cry. He didn’t want this.  
-Yes, yes Ty, we’re going to be parents- She started to cry, but not of sadness, but of joy, he took her in his arms, starting to laugh because he tried to be happy, he tried to hide his tears of actual sadness with laughter.  
When they got back to their house, he kissed her, just because he was her husband, and he was supposed to love her no matter what. And kisses represented love. But late at night, he got up and went to the bathroom downstairs, he locked the door and cried, cried because he didn’t want this, he didn’t want to become a parent, he didn’t want to become a clean cut family, a cookie mold for everyone, he didn’t want to be with her. He didn’t want to live his reality anymore.   
But he couldn’t escape it. Especially with Monday being the next day after his wife’s great announcement.  
He waked up and got ready for work, Jenna hadn’t woken up when he was leaving, so he just kissed her on the cheek and left for work in his car. He worked on the local high school as the basketball coach and sometimes he felt like that was the only place where he could be happy.  
When he arrived at the school, he went to the teachers’ lounge, he saw some people inside, the art teacher, the math teacher and the philosophy teacher, to be exact. He made an actual smile and sat with them, taking out the Starbucks cup he had with coffee.   
-Hey, guys, how’s it going?- He asked to his coworkers, which returned the smile back.   
-The usual, paint everywhere and Bandit drew on my digital tablet again- Gerard, the art teacher, said with a smile, giving a bite to the doughnut he was eating.  
-The twins painted my guitar purple right after that- Frank, the math teacher, explained with a small smile. Both Frank and Gerard were married and had kids, a lot of the times Tyler wished he had a life like them, that he could wake up every morning and be happy alongside someone he actually loved. Not wake up and force himself to love someone he knew didn’t belong with him.  
-Kids can be a pain in the ass- Dallon, the philosophy teacher, commented with a small laugh, sipping at his own cup of coffee.  
-You tell us- Frank said—a nine year old and two seven year olds, we’re going mad- Tyler smiled, but then remembered the dinner yesterday, the way his wife’s face lit up, the way everyone was happy, but he wasn’t.  
-Hey, dude, you don’t look so well, something happened?- Gerard asked, Tyler was about to tell them what happened when someone opened the door, it was the principal.  
-Good morning boys, how was the weekend?- He asked going straight to the coffee machine, mug in his hand, Tyler made a sign with his hands that indicated “later” and the rest nodded.  
-The same as always, Brian, the same as always- Dallon said, sipping at the last of his coffee.  
-I’m glad nothing bad happened- The principal said happily, Tyler wanted to curl up in a ball and cry at that—but, I have news to tell you, good news-  
-Oh, drama- Gerard said in a joking manner.  
-But later, when everyone is here-  
-I hate waits, Brian, you know that, at least a snippet of it- Frank begged, making Brian laugh, not turning to them, and paying attention to the coffee machine.  
-It has to do with staff- Frank groaned, letting his head fall against the table, receiving a chuckle from the rest.  
Slowly, the room started to fill up, more teachers getting in, but at one point the principal left the room, not giving explanations to why he was leaving, but nobody questioned, thinking it was something at the office or similar.  
Frank was in the middle of telling a joke about a priest and an atheist, which was really bad, by the way. When the principal opened the door loudly, shutting everyone’s conversation, luckily for Tyler and the rest.  
-Hey, sorry for entering like that- He said calmly—but, I have news- He entered the room and stood in front of the white board—as we know, our music teacher, Ms. Howard, had to leave the school because she moved to Hungary, and, we haven’t had a music teacher since, but- He clapped his hands with a smile on his face—we have a new music teacher! He’s young but experienced, and I hope he’ll be a nice addition to the school- A young man entered the room, approximately Tyler’s age, his hair was brown and his mocha eyes reflected nervousness—his name is Joshua Dun-   
-H-hi- His smile was small and nervous, Tyler couldn’t keep his eyes out of him, he had something that Tyler couldn’t describe, something he had never felt before.  
-So, Joshua, we hope you have a nice work time here, and I hope you find your coworkers helpful in everything- Joshua nodded, Dallon stood up and went towards him, putting a hand on his back, the rest looked at him weirdly while he talked to the new teacher, but turned to pretend they were talking when the both turned to them, saying random words so they wouldn’t suspect.  
Finally, after only three minutes of talking, both Joshua and Dallon were walking towards them, but they didn’t notice, still saying random words.  
-Banana, pickle, strawberry—Frank said, just to be cut off when he realized neither his husband nor friend were talking, so he looked up to find Joshua staring at him weirdly and Dallon suppressing a laugh.  
-Guys- Dallon was still suppressing the whole hyena laugh he had inside—This is Josh, Josh, this is Tyler, Gerard and Frank- He introduced them, Tyler, once again, had his eyes locked on him, it wasn’t like with Jenna, he didn’t force himself to look at him, he actually forced himself to look away after they had a handshake.  
They started to have an actual conversation, Tyler listened closely to Josh and how he got interested in music, how he can play drums and the trumpet, that he decided to become a teacher after teaching a kid on his neighborhood how to play a Nirvana song when he was sixteen, Tyler couldn’t stop listening to him talk, his voice was addicting, like a drug, and Tyler couldn’t stop having enough of it. Until the bell rang, indicating it was time to start classes.   
All the teachers sat up and started leaving the room, Gerard was the first one to leave, saying he had to prepare some stuff for his class, shortly after, Dallon went too, saying he had to give back some tests, Frank lest almost immediately after, saying he was going to give pop quizzes to his students, leaving Tyler and Josh alone.  
-I don’t think you have any classes right now- Tyler said matter-of-factly, receiving a nod from Josh.  
-And what about you? I think you’re a PE teacher, right?-   
-I’m the basketball coach, but I also give PE, kind of a family tradition- He admitted, looking at the room, completely empty except from them—Wanna go talk to the gym? It’s the best spot to catch teenagers that want a place to kiss- He received a small laugh from Josh, and he couldn’t believe it, his laugh was just or even more addicting than his voice.  
-Sure, why not?-   
The both ended up in the gym, sitting in the bleachers and getting to know each other, Tyler felt something during their talk, he felt all warm and good all over, something he couldn’t describe with exact words, his smile felt genuine when he laughed. He felt happy for the first time in years.  
-Hey, I don’t know if this is your thing, but, I’m going to a bar tonight, I go for some drinks every time I get a new job- Josh said just as the bell rang, he stood up, walking down the bleachers, looking at Tyler when he was out of the bleachers—What do you say? You up for it, or not?-  
-Yeah, pick you up after?- Josh nodded, before leaving the gym in silence, hands inside the pockets of his pants.


	2. Before You Start Your Day

Tyler woke up, a migraine working up from being drunk last night. He had lied to his wife that he had a very important match next week and had to train with the boys of his team, and went to the bar with Josh, they both had drank a lot, not enough for them to not walk straight, but enough for Tyler to forget about how his life was pretty much the worse, most of it being a lie.

-You’re a pretty cool dude, but…you seem sad- Josh admitted, putting a hand over Tyler’s, Tyler felt that thing he didn’t know how to describe when he felt Josh’s hand on top of his.

Soon, he spewed everything out, leaving him in tears when he finished his story, he felt Josh’s arms around his back, a stream of comforting words coming out of his lips, but Tyler didn’t care about those words, he wanted actions, actions that made him better or made him forget, but if all he got were words, he was going to take them.

-You know- Josh swirled around his drink, biting his cheek—I’m like you- He admitted—I…I love how you want to- He sighed—but nobody knows, not my parents, not my relatives, not even my brothers- His eyes saddened, Tyler wanted to hug him, but he didn’t know if it was a good idea or not—I’m—this is stupid, sorry- 

-No, no, it isn’t- He said, putting a hand over Josh’s—Josh…look, you, you’re free, I’m not, use my life as an example of what you shouldn’t do- He sighed—try to not ruin your life like me, okay? If you’re going to live, live your way, your own way, not by something someone wants you to do- They both looked at each other, both feeling something that they didn’t want to admit—promise?-

-Promise- Josh smiled sideways, looking back at his drink, taking a swig of it.

Tyler smiled as he remembered being with Josh, but his headache still hurt, so he got up from bed, going to his bathroom to take an aspirin or similar.  
He got to the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror, bags under his eyes from not sleeping so well, hair sticking up in different directions and looking greasy, his five o’clock shadow showing through. He looked miserable, and a simple aspirin couldn’t change that. 

But he still took it, opening the medicine cabinet and taking one out of its case, swallowing it with faucet water. He looked once again in the mirror, he missed the days were he saw a happy version of himself in the mirror, not one that had to memorize how to smile every morning, he missed waking up and loving the shine of the sun illuminating his room, not hating it to the point of covering himself back with the covers of his bed. He wished he was happy again. But he couldn’t regain his happiness, not easily. 

It was like he had to choose a mask to wear every day, it hurt to have to put one on and take it off when his wife finally went to sleep, but knowing that he soon would have to live with that mask for the rest of his life made him want to run away from society and hide somewhere nobody could find him for the all of eternity. It hurt, a lot of the times, to have a moment for himself in the morning, when his thoughts still weren’t clear, it made him think the worst of himself, that just summed up to reasons why he hated mornings. He hated that mornings made him think and swallow in his own pain, that he hadn’t something to distract his mind on, just his reflection in the mirror and the water sprinkling from the shower.

He realized he was looking at himself in the mirror for way to long, just a blank stare that hid pain that only he could see and feel. He shook his head, turning to the bath tub, knowing he had to shower, even though he didn’t feel like it, it wasn’t like when you are just lazy to get inside the tub just because, it was a feeling of helplessness that drained all his force of will. Even taking his shirt off was tiring as all hell just that was enough to make him go back to bed.

But he knew he couldn’t go back, he had to work, he had to go out and live, so he continued to take off his clothes until he was naked, he could see scars on his upper legs and lower stomach, he ran a hand over them, tracing each one with his fingers, they were a memory of his late nights, were he felt oppressed and alone, just coming back from a date with her or having a conversation with his parents about how amazing his life was going to be with a woman by his side. He stopped abruptly, taking his fingers out of his scars, not wanting to think about that. He quickly went into the bath tub, turning on the shower and letting the water flow down him, making him forget about his reality. It felt good, it felt nice, to forget about his life and focus on the water, focus on the shampoo running down his back, of the steam coming off the shower. He wished he could’ve stayed in there longer. But he had to go to work. 

He stepped out, taking his towel in the process, wrapping it around his waist, he looked in the mirror again, at least his expression that radiated misery disappeared, just showing tiredness now, making him glad that his mask would stay on today. 

The walk back to his room was quiet, making sure not to wake up his wife in the process, he knew everyone loved her by her looks and personality, he wished he could’ve had met her in different circumstances, that they could’ve been friends and just stay like that, being friends that never had a love interest, that he could have met her accidentally and made clear that he was different from her. She understood, she understood everything, she understood that he had to wake up at six in the morning, she understood that he liked to be alone sometimes, she understood all of it, so she might’ve understand him. But he couldn’t bring himself to tell the truth, not on the first date, not on their wedding, not even now, that they were going to have a child.

He opened the closet, taking the clothes he would wear that day, it was always the same, it must be sport clothing, obviously, for being a PE teacher on a high school you didn’t have as much liberty on dress code as the rest, so he took out his Adidas jumper, the one she told him not to wear to the dinner, and a pair of black sport sweats. The good thing was that he could practically wear any kind of sports shoe, Vans and Converse were acceptable, so he took a pair of Vans out of the closet and closed the closet. He looked at the clothes in his hands, all of them black, except the green and red details on the jumper, all of it was black, he felt like his clothes were a representation of how he felt, empty, without nothing, maybe a spot of color here and there, but that was completely opaque by the black. It was hard to see the colors in a sea of emptiness, and it hurt, it hurt to not have those colors stand out more, it hurt. But he knew doing something to make them stand out more was going to be difficult.

So he tried to not to think about it as he changed his clothes on the bathroom, letting the towel lay on the floor while he slid his clothes in.

He went to the kitchen, not daring to look at himself in the mirror, practically covering his face so he wouldn’t see his reflection as he walked out of the bathroom. In the kitchen he went over to the kettle, filling it with water in the sink. Kitchen sinks were weird for him, so many things had happened to him near ones, it was like they were a magnet for bad things to happen to him, or at least things that mark him for a long time.

He felt the water of the tap slip through his fingers, taking him out of thought and making him turn off the faucet, the kettle filled to the top, he let some water drain out and he put it on its place, turning the kettle on and waiting for it to boil. 

While a soft hum from the water starting to boil came out of the kettle, he took out a travel mug and the coffee, just so he could end the drink when he got to school. He also took a slice of bread out, he knew he would steal a little bit of someone’s doughnut when he got to work, but she always got worried when she woke up to not seeing bread crumbs in the kitchen counter, and he didn’t like to see her worried, it made her face look sad and that made him feel like the worst person alive, so he just ate a single slice of bread with butter, just to make her happy. 

As the humming of the kettle got higher in volume, he took out the butter and spread it out on the bread, putting the knife on the dishwasher and giving the bread a bite, the crumbs falling on the counter, hoping that made his wife happy. 

The humming stopped, meaning that the water was ready, he let the bread on top of the counter, grabbing the kettle and filling the travel mug, putting three teaspoons of coffee on it, as well as three of sugar and a little bit of milk. He stirred the drink slowly, eating his slice of bread in a similar velocity, his eyes fixed on the colors of his coffee, the white and dark brown mixing into a chocolate like color. He took a sip of the drink making sure it wasn’t way too bitter or way too sweet, even though he liked bitter coffee best, today he was feeling like having something sweet, he came to the conclusion it was Josh, that man had made him feel like he hadn’t felt in years, it was amazing to know he now had someone he could trust. Sure, his friends from work knew him, and he knew he could trust in them, but something was different about the music teacher, it was like he could pour himself onto him, have no secrets, say he killed a man and he would just roll with it, shrugging and smiling, smiling and making Tyler feel better, feel like he belonged somewhere, he had found a safe place on someone’s smile, at least for one night, that was enough for him. 

He closed the travel mug and sighed, going back to his room to take his backpack, checking it once to see if he had everything that he needed for the day. When he was sure of it, he went out of the room, not before looking back at his wife and dedicating the smallest, almost none existent, smile to her. He wishes he could’ve met her in another circumstances.

As he entered the kitchen once again, another sigh escaped his lips, just because he could. He wanted to sigh as much as he could before going to work, were he always had a smile, hoping everybody could just leave him be, let him suffer alone until he couldn’t take it, like a ticking bomb, hoping the counter would go down to zero and make everything surrounding it explode. But at the same time, he wanted to go up to someone and tell them the truth, everything, from start to end, just spill the truth and receive a solution, like if someone went to the bomb and deactivated it, cutting the right cables and doing the right combinations. And he felt like that person still wasn’t there, that they would come right a second before everything explodes or a second too late, just to find ashes and rest of what once was a bomb hidden like an inoffensive object.

With a slow pace, he went to his car, backpack slouched on one shoulder, the morning birds chirping happily. 

He locked the door as he went out of the house, his eyes darting immediately to the car he owned, it wasn’t the best thing in the world. He wasn’t a fan of cars, but he still got a pretty decent one, it could get him to anywhere with no problem. 

The car stood at the garage, waiting to be ridden by Tyler, who opened the passenger door, the smell of alcohol still present, remembering how he had drunk with his new coworker. His eyes closed for a moment, remembering the smile he had on last night, how he wishes he could have it today, because it felt good, it felt nice, it felt right and having it tug against his lips once again just made his heart fill with hope.


	3. March To The Sea

Going in a line, that’s how he felt at that moment. 

He felt like if he was walking in a line with almost everyone in the world, all of them going somewhere they didn’t know, but they had to. The line was straight, he was sure of that, but the end was unclear, and when he entered the line was foggy.

-Why are you going to the party when you don’t like those types of things? - Gerard asked looking at Tyler, taking a sip of his coffee. 

Tyler was sure Gerard wasn’t in the line. He knew he was watching them walk slowly while he did whatever he wanted and went wherever he could, he was free of the line, and in these moments he was telling Tyler to get out of the line and be with the rest of people who enjoyed the freedom that nobody could find inside the line. 

-I don’t know- He admitted, shrugging his shoulders and looking at his own coffee mug, now empty—I can tell you a reason, but we both know that it would be a lie- Gerard gave his most sympathetic smile.

-We can go to my house, I can go and then I’ll take you, the girls would be happy to see you- He suggested, moving his hands around, like when he did whenever he was in class—and we can play videogames, Frank just bought a new game we can play- Tyler waved him off, still not taking his eyes out of the travel mug.

-I don’t want problems with Jenna, I have to take her home after the party- He explained, looking at the triangles on the design of the mug, he felt Gerard’s hand on his shoulder, trying to make him look up, but he refused.

-Ty—Gerard sighed—Tyler, please, come with us, you’re not going to have a good time in there, you hate parties! And you’re just going to please Jenna, you can pick her up later- Now it was Tyler’s turn to sigh.

-It’s not that easy, and we both know that- 

The both couldn’t lie, Jenna loved to pass time with her husband and never let him go, and even if he said he was going to go the other side of the room to get a drink, she would follow him. It wasn’t the kind of attachment that was toxic or led to something bad, it was the kind of attachment that was sweet, the one you didn’t mind, that left you have your own alone time, but you still noticed that someone else was with you.

Luckily the both decided to change the subject, talking about something without much importance, just letting their minds wander off before the bell rang so they could go back to class again. 

As soon as the bell rang, both of them said their goodbyes, promising each other that they would talk later and went towards their class’, Tyler had a class with the sophomore’s, and those kids were a pain to deal with, so he went as slowly as he could, hoping that all of them were already in the gym all changed up and just tell them to run laps. The whole party thing was draining him. 

It was a stupid, really—the party—it was a local celebration for something he wasn’t aware of, but she told him that they should go, and he accepted the invitation blindly, but as soon as he realized where they were going he was starting to make up lies and excuses as to not go, the pregnancy, that he had to make some work, everything, but it wasn’t going to work. 

And that’s how he realized he was in the line, walking, not looking up so he couldn’t see the people who were outside the line, like Gerard, and not accepting the help of those people, people who watched them outside the line, taking in the landscape, taking in as how the people in the line didn’t look up, just fixating their eyes in a dull line, devoid of color and emotion. He didn’t know how he could get out of the line, he didn’t know if he could get out of it. But it was his reality, he was in a line. 

-Tyler- Someone called him from behind, so he turned slowly, not really stopping his pace, but when Josh’s face appeared on his sight he stopped walking, a small smile on his face.

-Hey- Josh got close to him, a few feet in front of each other—don’t you have classes?- 

-No, the class I was supposed to be with today went to a field trip, and I had nothing to do, and I hoped you didn’t have classes right now- 

-I’m going to pass with the sophomore’s- He explained painfully, obtaining a pained look from Josh—but we can talk for a while in the meantime of them doing laps- He explained, starting to walk towards the gym, Josh followed him, his hands on his pockets.

-That’s kind of why I hated my PE teachers- 

-That they talked to the music teachers while you had to do laps?- Josh laughed, it was still addicting as when he heard it for the first time, even if that was months ago.

-No, because they made us just run endless laps while they did nothing- The gym got closer and Tyler could already hear the group of teens yelling from the inside.

Tyler was pretty sure Josh wasn’t in the line, and that he also looked at the people in the line like Gerard, but Josh probably didn’t know that, he probably didn’t know about the line, and Tyler was glad, he didn’t want him helping to get him out of it, he didn’t want to see him go through the pain of trying and failing to get out of it. 

-  
He looked at his suit in the mirror, the black dress shirt he wore didn’t have a wrinkle, the red tie stood out and he hoped his black skinny jeans would pass off as dress pants. 

-You’re ready, honey?- She asked entering the room while putting on an earring, she had a beautiful red gala dress, her belly showing a little bit. 

-Yes, I’m ready- He turned to her, putting his best smile on and putting his hand around her waist—let’s get to the party and have a good time- The last part was mostly directed to her, because he could already see himself moping around the place while looking at his phone until Jenna told him that she was tired.   
They got to the house where the party was being held, it looked fancy, painted white with golden details, people were also entering the house, women with dresses similar to the one his wife was wearing and men with plain suits, Tyler bit his lip and got out of the car, helping Jenna to get out. 

And the house was as fancy on the inside as it seemed on the outside, glass chandeliers on the ceiling, impeccable furniture and porcelain ornaments were placed neatly on the living room and main hall, it was all perfect. Like the line. 

He sat in one of the couches, his wife going to talk to some friends, Tyler knew she would spend all the time of the party with them, but still keeping an eye on him, asking him if everything was alright or if he wanted something to drink or eat. His eyes went directly to the message app icon on the screen, he might as well talk to Gerard for a while. 

The both spent some time messaging each other, apparently Frank was trying to beat a level on that videogame he had bought and he was getting slightly frustrated, and a really angry Frank was fun to see, because it was like a toddler throwing a fit. 

-Tyler? What’re you doing here?- He looked up to see Josh in a white dress shirt with a black tie.

-What’re you doing here?- He asked back, he was sure Josh wasn’t in the line, he was sure of him being outside of it, this party was part of the line, and he shouldn’t be here, he should be somewhere else, not here.

-A friend invited me, but she’s still not here- Josh sat next to him in the couch—now, are you going to tell me why are you here?- 

-I’m…my wife was invited and I had to come along- He said truthfully, there really wasn’t a reason to lie to him, Josh knew him, and even if that wasn’t true, there was no way to lie to him, Tyler had tried, he truly had, but as soon as it escaped his lips, he felt guilty, Josh’s expression was so genuine that the guilt engulfed you to the point that you couldn’t help but tell the truth, and it hadn’t only happened to him, almost all of his coworkers had gone through the same story.

-That’s not good- Josh said with a sad expression—but at least we have each other- He put a hand on Tyler’s knee, giving a reassuring smile, which Tyler gave back, locking his phone and putting it on his pocket. 

The feeling Tyler had when he was with Josh only grew more and more as they got spend time together, that addicting feeling made him want to grab Josh and keep him to himself for the rest of his life. It was strange for him to have that feeling, it felt as if something was occupying way too much space on his chest and he had to take something out so it fit perfectly, but he didn’t know what to take out, and that made the feeling worse. 

The both started talking about their job, good thing about working with teenagers, is that you always heard a gossip around the place, and even though all the teachers acted as they didn’t care, they cared, a lot, and they also talked about the gossips they’ve heard around. The latest gossip, though, was about a girl that had done a whole tattoo sleeve without telling her parents, who were totally against body modification and tattoos. 

-I heard that her parents actually kicked her out of the house and she’s staying with a friend- Josh took a sip of the glass of wine someone had given them in a tray.

-No way- Tyler felt like an actual teenager, when he used to talk with his friends about something they had heard while in lunch, that was one of the reasons he loved being a PE teacher—how’d you heard that?- 

-She’s in my class and she said to someone something like “I’m going to try again today, but if it doesn’t work, I guess you’ll still have to blow the air mattress for another night” and the other girl just laughed and wished her luck, it was weird, let me tell you- Josh crossed his legs and Tyler sat back in the couch.

-I’m sad about that, like, she only did something that she wanted to do, her parents can’t just kick her out like that- Josh nodded, stirring his glass.

-If I could, I would give her a room in my house, I don’t think she should be going through this because of some tattoos, you get me? Even I didn’t have to go through that- 

-Weird how a school is more accepting than a family in those matters- Tyler said looking at the people around him—I wouldn’t be like them, at all- 

-It’s like, people trying to fit a mold- Josh got up, offering a hand to Tyler—want to continue a the conversation outside, I’m kind of dying in here- It was true, the ambiance inside was hot because of the amount of people inside. 

-Yeah, let’s go- He also stood up, looking around if Jenna was near, she was still near them, talking with her friends, only difference was that now they were sitting at a table. Tyler decided to not tell her anything, she was way too into her talk to pay attention to him, so they simply went out into the backyard of the house, which surprisingly didn’t have anyone in, just the night sky and stars.

-This is so much better- Josh took a deep breath in—it was getting so hot in there-

-You tell me- Tyler referred to his black shirt—like, couldn’t these parties accept short sleeved shirts too?- 

-A mold- Josh opened his arms in exaggeration—short sleeved dress shirts are that: short sleeved dress shirts, it’s like a normal dressed shirt but with short sleeves so you don’t die of heat, but no, the mold says long sleeved dress shirt anywhere formal- Tyler nodded, he liked how Josh thought the line was actually a mold, he wanted to keep it like that, for it to be a mold to him, something you can break out of, not like the line, that always kept you in place.

-A mold- He smiled sideways—do you think you are part of the mold, Josh?- 

-No, no way, how’d you think that?-Josh shook his head—I’m pretty sure I’m not in there, or at least I’m in a way cooler one- Tyler laughed, it was true though, he wasn’t in the line, and if the people that weren’t with him in the line were in another line, right next to them, theirs was probably cooler—and you? Are you part of the mold?- Tyler bit his own cheek and looked at the sky, wishing that the light going through the night sky was a spaceship, so that would change the subject, but it probably was just a plane.

-I have to be- He answered finally, his eyes going to his own glass of wine—it’s like…I have to have the ideal life, a loving wife, a good job, good relationships with my neighbors, a kid, probably two, and always go to mass on early Sunday mornings, that’s how I have to roll- 

-But you want to get out, right?- 

-How do you know?- Tyler looked expectant, an eyebrow raised, Josh gave him a sideways smile and took his hand in his, looking at him in the eyes.

-Because you told me who you are, and I can see that you’re not fit for a mold- The feeling of something being in his chest grew to its fullest, it occupied all of his body now, Tyler looked at Josh’s hand holding his, it was just that, holding, but it felt so good, like if all the weight he had from being on the line went away, he could let himself get near to the side of the line, almost step out of it, but he still couldn’t get out of it fully—And I can help you to break out of it- 

But now he thought he could.


	4. Fall Away

It was wrong, he knew that, it was wrong, he couldn’t be feeling like this, it was wrong. It felt like falling, falling down somewhere, and he knew falling was bad.   
But he liked it. He liked falling. 

He liked staring while they were in job reunions, he liked staring while they walked towards their classrooms; he liked being close when the halls were full, so they had to squish in the small space they had left; he liked when they touched wither it was accidental or intentional, he liked when they told each other their problems, he liked going every once in a while to the bar together, he liked going shopping together to buy hair dye. 

He liked Josh, but it was wrong. 

-I’m a married man- He said to Dallon, who was listening to his little breakdown in the middle of work—I can’t have feelings for him- 

-Tyler, we both know you don’t love Jenna, you having feelings for someone was just a matter of time—

-But not now!- Tyler put his head on his hands, groaning miserably while he slid on the floor, his shirt riding up against the cold marble wall of the hall they were in—she’s pregnant! I should be excited, waiting for the baby with her, not having feelings for a man- He looked at Dallon, who slid next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. 

-You can’t deny it anymore, Tyler, you’re not supposed to be a straight man who lives happily with his wife and a child, you’re—

-Don’t- Tyler cut him before he could finish the sentence, knowing what he was going to say, knowing the next word that would come out of his mouth—I’m not that- Dallon groaned, taking his hand out of his shoulder.

-Why don’t you like that word? It’s a sexual orientation, not some kind of cursed word- 

-Because I’m not that-

-Or are you not supposed to be that?- Tyler went silent, it was true, he was supposed to not like Josh, he was supposed to love Jenna, but he knew he didn’t feel that way, that what he was supposed to feel was what he not—look, you need to accept your reality, that you don’t love your wife, that you’re—He gave a pause, re thinking his words—that you love a man, and that you won’t be able to hold it longer- 

-I have a baby coming, Dallon, I can’t divorce my wife to go out with a man, I can’t do that to the baby-

-You’re making it sound like you’re going to sacrifice the baby to the gods or something like that- Dallon exaggerated, making Tyler laugh—we work with teenagers, we heard a thousand times the story of kids that were born in a divorced family, and they’re okay, they’re happy, for some both of their parents take care of them, for others, only one, but they are happy- He sounded sincere, and he truly was sincere, there were so many kids that talked about how they were going to pass the weekend with their dad or how they were going to spend the summer with their mom in her new house in Canada or London—you’re not going to risk your own happiness for someone’s that hasn’t even been born, Tyler, you’re going to be so unhappy if you keep living like this-

He was right, he couldn’t keep up, he was barely keeping it before Josh appeared, and now that he had, he was only hanging in a loose thread that was destined to break at any moment. 

-I don’t want to fall-

-You already fell- He said sincerely—but you’re trying to not let it show. But the truth is sliding through your fingers and now you can’t go back- He sighed—I have known you for years, I know when you’re happy, and the way your eyes spark when you see Josh…I haven’t seen you like that in years- 

-But, I’m cheating on my wife- 

-Well then, what’re you waiting? Let yourself choose something for once and be happy, don’t tie yourself to someone that doesn’t make you happy- 

Silence filled them both, as Tyler thought about what he was going to do, Dallon was right, he should leave his wife, during so many years he has been unhappy, and now that the opportunity of happiness was being thrown at him, he was throwing it into the bin just because he was putting other people first. 

-Speak of the devil- Dallon whispered suddenly, getting up and walking towards someone, Tyler followed with his eyes and found Josh walking towards them, his bubblegum pink hair was more vibrant in the light, and the addicting feeling was still present—Josh!- He said enthusiastically, throwing his arms in the air, Josh copied him.

-Dallon! - He replied with the same enthusiasm, hugging him, he looked down and saw Tyler laying on the floor—Tyler! Is the floor comfy or what?- He asked jokingly, helping him up and hugging him when he was on his feet.

-Fuck off, you’re talking to someone who was shoved to the floor all their life, the floor is like my bed- 

-Basketball is way too tough- Josh said shivering, Tyler had learned that Josh wasn’t really big on basketball, just liking to see the matches that the school team played—anyway, I was going to ask this to all of you guys in lunch, but now that I’ve found you two here, I’m going to ask anyway- He waved his hands, as if he really wasn’t explaining himself—do you guys want to go to the bar with me tomorrow? I mean, I understand if you don’t want to, I just want to spend some time with you all without being at work and—

-We’ll go- Dallon said cutting him before Josh started rambling—I’m pretty sure Frank and Gerard will accept- Tyler simply nodded, knowing that he would have the “you have to be happy, goddammit” speech from Dallon as soon as they were alone again. 

-Great! Uh, I’ll tell you everything when we are with the guys- 

Lunch came, and all the teachers headed to the teacher’s lounge, all with lunch in hand. Tyler had bought a plain sandwich form the supermarket while Dallon had some homemade spaghetti and meatballs, Gerard and Frank had both prepared some vegetarian tacos and Josh had made a quiche himself. Tyler thought he was really fucking lazy.

-Guys, what do you think of going to the bar all of us together tomorrow?- Josh asked in the middle of lunch, Gerard and Frank looked at each other for a moment, talking in glances and looks, it was amazing to watch. 

-We’ll go- Frank said.

-But, if any of you motherfuckers give me a sip of alcohol, I’m cutting your throat- Gerard continued—I have been sober for eight years, and I’m not changing that- 

-That means Gerard drives- Dallon said, wiping the bit of tomato sauce he had on his cheek. 

-I’ll drive you to Yugoslavia as long as you don’t try to offer me alcohol- 

-Cool! - Josh clapped his hands—so, is it okay tomorrow at seven at Gerard’s and Frank’s house?-

-Tomorrow at seven?- Tyler asked worriedly, receiving a hit on his side by Dallon’s elbow—it’s a good time- He corrected, feeling Dallon’s eyes burning on his soul. 

-We’re going to make the girls stay with my brother- Gerard said taking a bite of his taco—we’ll be fine if any of you end up too shit faced- He said with a mouth full of food, receiving a glance from his husband—you talk like that in home, shut up- 

-

Tyler though about different lies he could make up to not tell Jenna he was going to a bar with his friends, she didn’t like to see him drunk and even though he knew the stink of alcohol was probably going to be noticeable when he came back home, he still wanted to make up a lie. 

-You can say we are staying at my home, preparing some things for the world festival, or however it’s called- Dallon suggested.

-But if she calls—

-Breezy is good talking to people, she’ll convince her that we’re really into the festival and that all our creative juices will stop if someone interrupts us- He referred to his wife, Breezy was a nice woman, very caring and gentle. 

-But I’ll come stinking of alcohol, I won’t be able to hide that- 

-Come sleep at my house, again, creative juices- Tyler sighed. 

-If I end up in problems, it’s all your fault- 

-You’re making it sound like you don’t want to go out- Tyler’s leg started bouncing, it wasn’t true, he did want to go out, but it wasn’t a good idea for him to mix alcohol and going out with Josh, he had purposely been driving him home so he had an excuse to not drink, but now Gerard was driving, and the guys would’ve make him drink a lot.

-I want to…it’s just that—

-It’s Josh right?- Dallon finished for him, sighing when Tyler nodded in response—look, if you think that you’re going to end up all over Josh’s pants just because you can’t hold you alcohol…I’m going to kill you- 

-I don’t want to mess things up, that’s all-

-But, what if you ending up drunk and all over Josh starts to make things easier? What if this is that “big revelation” you wanted in high school? - Tyler thought about that, it was true, he had been searching for one event that was able to bring sense to his life ever since high school, so far he hadn’t found it, and Dallon was right, maybe whatever would happened in that bar would be what he needed to solve all his problems. 

Or just open the Pandora box he was trying to keep shut. 

Either way, he knew that if he went or not, the result was going to be bad for him, if he didn’t go he might end up bored in his house scrolling through social media while he probably received drunk texts of Frank that had very, very poor grammar and logic, like the time he didn’t go to a teachers party saying that it was going to be boring and Frank texted him ‘im sou drn.knk, dude you hab two bee hear’

-And all the teachers showed up with the most massive hangover of the century, except you- Dallon reminded him.

But, if he went, he would have no self-control which would end in a very awkward situation if it turned out Josh didn’t like him, or, worst case scenario—actually, best case, but he didn’t want to accept that—both of them in a bathroom stall of the bar doing god knows what. 

-I didn’t know you had a kink for semi-public sex- Tyler rolled his eyes, pushing Dallon’s shoulder with his fist, only making him giggle—c’mon dude, it’s a joke, trying to lift up your spirit- 

-It’s not helping- Tyler said truthfully—look, I don’t have a kink, I just said what I thought could be true, why would he take me to his house if we are hot and bothered?

-You sound like a teenager, first of all- Tyler rolled his eyes—second, if you two do end up with a thing in their pants, you’ll probably end up in Josh’s room, he doesn’t seem like the kind of guy that would just have a one night stand in the bathroom of a bar- Tyler looked pained at the words “one night stand” so Dallon rolled his eyes and continued—he doesn’t even look like someone who would have a one night stand- Tyler lowered his view, staring at his worn out tennis, not really knowing what to respond, “thanks”?—just, come, okay? Tell Jenna that we have to do some work and then you’ll come to sleep to my house or tell her we ended up going to Josh’s place if something happened-

Tyler sighed, groaning and rubbing his hands across his face, hoping that would bring the answer he needed, but when nothing came, he decided to respond with what first came to his mind.

-I’ll go, I’ll tell her we have work and I’ll sleep in your house if I end up too shit faced- Dallon gave him a pat on the back and showed him his most happy smile.

-That’s my Tyler, going out with friends, having a good time and hoping his marital life doesn’t go to shit-

-You’re really bad when it comes to cheering people up-

-I’m a philosophy teacher, not a psychology one- Tyler laughed—made it-


	5. Air Catcher

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: This chapter has smut (badly wiritten smut), so if you don't like it, you can skip it <3

He remembered saying that sometimes in life you felt like being in a parachute, sometimes you would be fine with it, falling through the sky and just watching the view, the clouds, the blue sky. It was fine, just you, but sometimes someone came and decided to do something with your parachute, break the lines, burn it, steal it, anything so you could fall faster into the ground, sometimes the person that did something to your parachute wouldn’t mean it, or probably did it so you two could fall together, or for them to actually stop falling. Sometimes the ground you fell to was different, sometimes it had the word “LOVE” written all over it, capital letters to make sure you would read it best, other times the word would be “HATE”. Different emotions would be on the ground, and the person who took your only device to stay afloat was the one that ended making you fall into that specific place.

Tyler knew someone stole his parachute, he knew who that person was, knew his name, his face, every detail of him, and he knew where he was falling, knew what the words in the ground said. And he was hoping that somehow he could stop everything from going so fast.

He started to think about it when he was getting ready, he thought about the parachute, of why it was stolen, it couldn’t have been because the other person needed it, it wasn’t because they wanted to watch him fall. It probably was because they were already falling, and they wanted for both of them to fall together. Tyler finally decided to stop thinking about it as soon as he went out of the house, telling Jenna that he was going to sleep at Dallon’s and that she shouldn’t worry about him getting late. 

The walk to Frank and Gerard’s house was slow and silent, the sound of cars going around the neighborhoods and people doing things inside their houses was filling what would’ve been only the sound of his Vans squeaking against the pavement of the sidewalk. He was kind of dreading his decision, but the words of Dallon kept going around his mind every time he thought of going back to his home.

“But, what if you ending up drunk and all over Josh starts to make things easier? What if this is that “big revelation” you wanted in high school?”

And that only made him walk a bit faster, until he was in front of the big white house with big windows at the front and kid toys sprawled on the front porch. He took a big breath and with nervous steps went to the door and knocked gently on it with a shaky hand, his hands going to the pockets of his jeans right after that.   
Gerard was the one to open the door, a warm smile hiding a surprised expression. 

-Tyler! Dude, I’m so glad you’re here, we were almost certain you decided to turn back- He said leaning on the door frame, he could hear the laugh of the guys on the inside and the sound of the TV playing.

-Dallon is very good at convincing people, you know?- Tyler didn’t take his hands out of his pockets and simply shrugged, motioning to the living room with his head—can I go in?- Gerard stepped out of the way, leaving room for Tyler to enter.

-You should’ve gotten here earlier, the girls just went to my brother’s house and they wanted to see you- Tyler shrugged again, walking to the living room and seeing the rest of the guys on the living room, sitting on the couches, Frank was sprawled on the two seat while Dallon and Josh sat at the three seat, one at each side. 

After Tyler saying hello to every one of them, they didn’t lose much time and went to the bar, Gerard driving. The radio was playing a top-hit playlist, Frank was busy complaining about modern music to his husband while the rest of the guys talked about a movie that had come out the other day. 

The drive towards the bar was pretty relaxed, just them talking and laughing every once in a while, Tyler felt good, he forgot his whole chat with Dallon about not being able to hold his alcohol. He was enjoying himself—it was the best—to only have on focus two words “have fun” that was all. He didn’t care about what he could do in that moment, neither when the car stopped or they got out in the bar, or even when they ordered their first drinks.

It was glass after glass filled with alcohol, jokes becoming funnier and words being harder to pronounce, slurring out of their mouths, all of them were having conversations on their own, Frank, Dallon and Gerard were vividly talking about a soccer match, well, Frank and Dallon were, Gerard was laughing at them. While Tyler and Josh were having a quite conversation about Tyler’s love life in general, more specifically his sexuality.

-I sometimes wonder what would’ve it had been if I had told the truth- He slurred as he looked at the light that was hanging from the ceiling, the lamp cover was red and triangular, letting the white light bulb emit a red light.

-It would’ve been easier- Josh said back, looking at the glass filled with some kind of cocktail that he had ordered because of the name, that he now didn’t remember.

-How?- Tyler looked back at him, squinting his eyes because of the fast change of lighting—my family would hate me, I would probably lose my job—because rumors spread fast—I would only have my friends- 

-You would have me- Tyler stared at Josh wide-eyed as he got closer, a hand going to his pants, and way too close to his crotch—we would have each other-   
-But we could have each other now- The both got even closer, their faces being inches apart, they could smell the alcohol off from each other, the glint of lust forming on their eyes.

-And why don’t we have each other, huh?- Josh said quietly, the both knew what was going to be the answer to that. 

-Because we’re afraid of taking the first step- At this point their lips were so close from touching that it was tempting, temping for them both to just close the gap finally, to let the fall because of the lack of parachutes go faster. 

-And why don’t we both take it together?- The next thing that happened was two pair of lips crashing, moving together desperately, the both feeling relief of finally feeling the taste of each other’s lips’, they mostly tasted of alcohol, but it was fine for them, as long as the soft feeling of Josh’s lips moving in sync with Tyler’s dry ones was all they could feel in that moment just assured them that the fall was going to be the best thing that happened to them. 

It was incredible how the rest of the guys weren’t bugging them, they must’ve seen them, but probably decided to ignore them, knowing that it was better to leave them alone, for them to enjoy the moment they had probably told them over and over again that they were waiting for. Just leave them be, do what their bodies wanted in that moment. 

But after some time they separated, looking at their eyes, dilated pupils occupying the brown color of both of their eyes. They knew what was going to come and they knew that they couldn’t be there, in a bar. And just with looks they decided to get out of there and get a taxi. 

-Your house?- Tyler slurred, receiving a nod from Josh. Without saying anything, they stood up from the table, getting wolf whistles from the rest, the both smiled, feeling like a teenage couple that was about to hook up in the locker room or a class room in a school festival at night. 

They didn’t know how they got into the taxi, or how long it took to get to Josh’s house, just because their hands were roaming their bodies, touching every piece of skin they could and tracing every pattern in their clothes, lining with their fingers the creases on their jackets, tracing the patterns on their shirts, hands getting dangerously close to the bulges that were forming on both of their pants, lips crashing with the soft skin on their necks and riding up to cheeks. They also didn’t know how the driver wasn’t getting bugged by them, by the sound of their lips crashing, the pants, the slurs, they only cared about entering the house, paying the driver probably more than they had to and somehow getting the key to fit in the lock of the house and closing the door messily, the light wasn’t their problem right now, just of how uncomfortable their clothes were getting. 

Their words were messy, being interrupted by kisses, and Tyler barely managed to get a “let’s go to your room, now” but Josh understood, grabbing him by the hand, lacing their fingers and going up the stairs, as soon as they got on the second floor Tyler saw the moon shining through the windows, reflecting Josh’s body perfectly, letting every ray of it bounce from his clothes, his hair, his skin and reflect. If he thought the moon was pretty, he knew Josh would beat it in any way.

The words he said next didn’t really process, he knew it was a joke because he heard a giggle escaping from Josh’s lips and he nodded, just to turn him around after entering and grabbing him by the waist firmly, their eyes locking together, seeing the shine of their drunken eyes mixing with the shining of the moon. 

And they were kissing again, feeling their tongues inside each other’s mouth, hands starting to get rid of clothes as they fell gracefully on bed, Tyler underneath of Josh, their lips never leaving each other, only when they had to get their shirts off, now Josh’s lips tracing every inch of Tyler’s torso, going down until his kisses reached his pants, his hands started to undo the belt and button of Tyler’s pants. Tyler remembered the scars that adorned his skin, and put a hand over Josh’s rapidly.

-Wait- He said in a hushed tone—I…there’s something bad there- He didn’t really know how to phrase it, he didn’t want to simply say it out loud, that he had scars going all the way from his lower stomach to his legs, but Josh looked at him with loving eyes, filled with assurance.

-Do you trust me?- His voice was soft, his hands cupping Tyler’s face softly, he looked at Josh’s eyes, searching for something that could mean anything bad, but he could only find love, the lust that was in them at the start of everything was almost gone. Tyler nodded, receiving a deep kiss from him, who got his hands back to Tyler’s jeans, letting them to finish undoing the button and unzipping them, letting them slide down and throwing them to the floor, only leaving Tyler with his boxers. 

Tyler didn’t waste time, also getting rid of Josh’s pants, and shirt, showing his body. It was perfect, defined abs, toned skin, all of his body was perfect, his tattoo sleeve popping from his white skin, the splash of color making him look ethereal, god-like. He probably was staring too much, as Josh smiled at him and kissed him again, and their hips started to rock together, finding friction and sending them both moaning, making them press their hips with more force. 

Between more kisses and touches, their underwear was gone, leaving them exposed, shivering at seeing each other as vulnerable, as unprotected and exposed. Knowing that they were seeing each other in a state that not many had seen was enough to kiss again, letting all the passion they had go through the other’s body, hoping that with that kiss they can show everything, every single thing that they had felt and were feeling. 

A moan escaped Tyler’s lips as Josh took his erection in his hand, moving it up and down, his thumb sliding over the tip in inconsistent intervals, making Tyler writher under the touch. It felt so good to be under his touch, even if they were both drunk, it felt as if nothing could go wrong, it was them finding pleasure, and it felt like they knew how to do it.

There was no talking involved during their actions, letting moans and grunts come from their throats, gasps slipping in between and nods every once in a while when they looked at each other for reassurance. Both moved almost in sync, only stopping when Josh started to rummage in his nightstand drawer for a condom and lube, and as soon as his fingers were inside Tyler their movements started to sync once again, hips rocking and hands moving in exact movements, pleasure vibrating in their bodies. 

A gasp and a grunt came out of Tyler and Josh’s mouth respectively as Josh slid slowly into Tyler, both staying in place as they felt how their bodies adjusted to the feeling, the way Tyler felt of being opened and the tightness around Josh. Tyler felt the addicting feeling of seeing Josh flowing through his skin, his veins; a shiver went through him realizing what he was feeling. 

The noises they were making and the touches that roamed their bodies didn’t stop, instead, they increased, Tyler’s fingers made lines in Josh’s backs from scratching it because of how good it felt, wanting to have him as close as he could. Josh’s fingertips were starting to leave red marks on Tyler’s skin, all over his chest and legs, his mouth also leaving marks on his neck and their lips ending red and puffy from all the kisses they were having.

As they were getting closer to the climax their bodies were aching for, Josh’s movement’s got more and more uneven and Tyler started rocking his hips too, hoping to find that spot that made him scream and roll his eyes backwards again. And as soon as he found it they reached climax, their bodies trembling as Josh let his cum fill the condom and Tyler tainted both of their stomachs with his. They closed their eyes, letting all the feeling and emotions wash them, making sure to capture them perfectly, because it wasn’t like anything they’ve ever experienced before and they wanted to remember it, all of it.

Tyler felt the fall in the ground as soon as Josh pulled out of him and took him in his arms. His parachute didn’t care, because the person that was falling with him had him in their arms, protecting him. Assuring him that no matter what, no matter if they fell again or one managed to get a parachute, they will always have each other.

As Tyler let himself go to sleep he remembered saying to Dallon that he didn’t want to fall. But now he loved it. If falling involved being with Josh like this. It was worth it.


	6. Addict With A Pen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really long chapter btw, just to tell you

Light shone through the curtains of Josh’s room, waking both of them up almost at the same time. The both were a bit startled as soon as they opened their eyes, Tyler didn’t recognize this room nor bed and Josh didn’t knew why he was hugging someone if he was supposed to live alone.

That’s when memories came rushing back so fast that it almost doubled the headache they were having at that moment. Kisses and desperate touches, words slurring and moans that sounded so beautiful in memory that they almost wanted to prove if it sounded the same as they remembered, but the headaches were killing them in that moment, so they just gave each other a small and gentle kiss. 

-Good morning- Josh’s voice was soft, it was a bit raspy; his hand caressed Tyler’s cheek, who smiled and closed his eyes, leaning in on the contact.

-Mornin’- Tyler said in a sleepy voice, opening his eyes after a moment and looking at the man in front of him, his brown eyes stared at him full of love, his bubblegum pink hair was a mess, falling over his eyes sand sticking up in different directions, his skin looked like marble, it was perfect, even if they both could smell the alcohol coming from their bodies and their brains were in the middle of trying to explode.

-You know, you look beautiful with the sun glowing on you- Josh admitted, his hand now going through Tyler’s hair, the sun was illuminating all of him, making his slightly tanned skin glow as if it was made of gold, his hair was glowing a beautiful chocolate tone, looking almost golden like his skin, and his lips looked a beautiful pink, as if they were painted on with the most beautiful paint that exists.

-You don’t look so bad either- They kissed again, pressing their bodies together, it wasn’t with any intents to be in last night’s situation, just to be together and feel their bodies. When they separated Josh turned to see the digital clock, sighing when he saw the hour. 

-It’s nine, you wanna have breakfast here or—He remained silent, thinking his words, he didn’t want to bring them both back to reality—or do you want to go feast on Frank’s and Gerard’s fridge?- He finally said, hoping he wouldn’t bring Tyler the memory of his wife that was probably waiting for him back home, worried to where her husband spent the night, and being completely unaware that he had just slept with his coworker.

-If we go to Frank and Gerard’s we’re probably going to find tofurkey on the fridge and a no milk-probably-vegan-breakfast- Tyler joked, but it was true, the last time he opened their fridge he found a carton of eggs that said “Vegan Egg” and only almond and soy milk, with Frank being stupidly delicate to the stomach and Gerard always on the way of becoming vegetarian, their fridge wasn’t really something that he liked to go for a Saturday breakfast.   
-Tofurkey?- 

-Ask Frank, I just want something to eat and to alleviate this headache- Tyler sat on the bed, rubbing his eyes and then passing a hand through his hair. For Josh he looked so fucking cute, he wanted to kiss him all day. 

-Well then, eggs and bacon do it for you? I have some aspirin on the bathroom- Josh sat in the bed as well, lacing their fingers together, letting Tyler to rest his head on his shoulder. The feeling of everything being correct was present, this is how he was supposed to wake up every morning. 

-You go for the aspirin, I’ll go cook, okay?- He kissed Josh’s cheek, getting up and searching for his underwear, when he found it he put it on, not before leaving time for Josh to watch him go around his room, completely naked, and if he thought he looked perfect being covered by the sheets, now he thought he was seeing an angel—what? Am I too pretty for you?- Tyler joked as soon as he had put his underwear on, receiving a laugh from him. 

-The prettiest, now go to the kitchen, because I think we both can eat anything right now- He said, getting up as well and searching for his underwear, Tyler shook his head with a smile and went downstairs, busying himself with breakfast. 

Josh went to where Tyler’s pants were, searching for his phone and taking it out, unlocking it. He saw the notifications, seven missed calls from Jenna. A sigh escaped his lips. He was ruining a marriage, that wasn’t even functional in the first place, but he still felt bad for it. But if Tyler wasn’t thinking about it in that moment, he might as well don’t touch the subject, he saw the way his eye’s saddened as he talked about it, so he put the phone back in the pocket where it was and he went to the bathroom, taking two aspirins.

Meanwhile, Tyler was on the kitchen, taking out a pan and some eggs. He looked at the ring in his left hand. Oh god, this was so bad. He had cheated on his wife and he had the ring on while he slept with another man. 

He let the pan fall onto the counter as he propped his elbows on it and let his head rest on his hands. God, he was such an idiot, he let himself fall and crash on the ground, but he didn’t take the guilt that had come after. Sure, Dallon had said that maybe this was going to be that stupid revelation he wanted, and yes, waking up next to Josh made him realize how much he needed someone else, how much he needed to let himself be who he was, but he didn’t want to feel like this, dirty, guilty, it wasn’t the fact that he slept with a man. But the fact that he had sex with someone that wasn’t his wife was what was killing him. 

Again, the fall and the crash was amazing, but now, reality decided to also fall down on him, leaving him to think about how disgusting he was, “you had sex with someone while being married, that’s cheating no matter how you look at it, Tyler, you’re disgusting” 

-Is everything all right?- Josh’s voice came from the entrance, Tyler turned around quickly one of his hands curled up, probably holding the aspirins, this man, a man who looked so perfect, amazing, all in all good looking, he was the one who he had taken this act. In that moment he wished it wasn’t him, that it wasn’t Josh who was the one that he had done that horrible thing with—Tyler, is everything okay?- He asked once again, not moving from his place, Tyler shook his head, falling swiftly to the ground, his naked back against the door of the oven, his knees went up against his chest and his hands covered his face, he wasn’t crying, he just didn’t want to see anything. 

Josh left the pills at the breakfast bar, going rapidly towards the other man, sitting on his knees and putting his hands delicately around his wrists, not moving them.

-Tyler, Tyler, listen to me, what happened?- He shook Tyler’s wrist gently hoping that he would respond. 

-I cheated on her- Replied Tyler, his voice muffled by his hands—I cheated on my wife- His hands finally left his face, looking directly at Josh’s. He didn’t have the fault for this, he didn’t, it was Tyler, he didn’t know when to stop, when to just realize that his wife was probably in his house sleeping on their bed tracing the empty spot where he supposedly had to be. 

-I…Tyler…it’s my fault- Josh said lamely, his hands leaving his wrists and standing up—I get it if you don’t want to see me again, just…know that last night was the best thing that happened to me- 

-It’s not your fault- Tyler said delicately, getting up and looking at Josh—it’s mine, I never told you to stop, I initiated it all- Silence filled the kitchen, the both turned their gazes to another place but the eyes of the man in front of them. Even if they tried to blame themselves for it, they knew that the both had a role to play in this. They both were to blame in all of this. 

Tyler walked silently towards the breakfast bar, taking one of the aspirins and putting it in his mouth, walking back towards the sink and opening the tab, letting the water flow, cupping his hands and putting it under the stream, his hands filling with water and then drinking it, letting the aspirin wash down his throat with the liquid. 

-I’m…going back home- His eyes were fixated on the ground, he started walking back towards the stairs, but Josh’s hand stopped him from moving.

-Wait, don’t go- Josh said in a soft voice—don’t leave me- He turned Tyler so they were in front again, Tyler couldn’t help but look at him. He wished this wasn’t happening, that Josh had a similar ring on his finger that indicated that they were together, he hated that Josh didn’t have a ring, he wished that the ring he was wearing was just a simple decoration, just some jewelry with no meaning behind it—let’s pretend that this didn’t happen and have breakfast, please, please- He begged—I said I would help you see how you’re not fit for a mold, let me show that one more time- Tyler was static, looking how helpless Josh looked, how his eyes were prickling with tears and his bottom lip was in a pout. He looked like a little kid. 

-Okay- Tyler relented, Josh’s hands leaving his grip on his, a small smile formed on his lips and his eyes filled with hope—let’s have breakfast- Josh’s smile also formed in Tyler’s lips.

The both cooked together, Josh had his arms around Tyler’s waist as he cooked the eggs on the pan and Tyler kissed Josh’s neck as he made two cups of coffee. It was relaxing, after going through that little scene they’d build moments before, just them making breakfast and then sitting in the sofa, turning on the TV and watching a movie that was currently running on TV, sometimes knitting their hands together and pressing soft kisses to their cheeks, laughing whenever a joke was brought up on the movie or a funny scene played. As soon as their plates where empty Tyler leaned on Josh’s chest, letting him wrap his arms around his waist, watching what was left of the movie in that position, again, they’ve both forgotten about Tyler’s ring on his hand and that someone was waiting for him in his house, worried about him not answering all the calls she was making to his phone. 

It was Josh’s phone who took them out of their little world, with a lazy step, Josh went to answer, a really anxious sounding Gerard shouting into the phone. 

-YOU TWO HAVE A LOT TO EXPLAIN!-

-Gerard, calm down, is everything alright?- 

-NO! NOTHING IS ALRAIGHT, JENNA IS COMING IN TWENTY MINUTES!- Gerard’s tone was so loud that Tyler could hear it from the couch, leaving both of them static, looking at each other worriedly—JOSH?! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? THIS IS IMPORTANT!- Gerard made them react, Tyler stood up while Josh started to walk towards the stairs, to his room so they both could change. 

-We’ll be there, don’t worry- 

-YOU TWO BETTER BE GETTING OUT OF THE HOUSE THIS SECOND- The both were starting to put their clothes back in, feeling anxiety and adrenaline start to kick in.

-Yes, yes, whatever, we’ll be there right now- Josh hung up, sliding up his pants, meanwhile, Tyler was sliding his shirt on, searching for his phone in the back pocket of his jeans, unlocking it and leaving a string of curses get out of his mouth. Twelve missed calls. 

-Let’s get the fuck out of here- He suddenly felt sick, it was realization all over again, he shouldn’t have woken up in Josh’s bed, he should’ve turned back to his house and tell Jenna that the meeting for the festival was canceled for another day. But now he could just say “I should”, there was nothing to change the fact that he slept with Josh. 

The ride towards Frank and Gerard’s house was silent and awkward, sure, it was fast thanks to the whole “Tyler, your wife is coming, if you don’t appear now, we’re all fucked” thing, but even with the velocity of the car and most of the scenery being a blur, it still felt like years until they saw the house getting near. The car came to a halt and both went to the front porch quickly, seeing how Tyler’s car still wasn’t anywhere, they knocked and rang the bell furiously, and soon enough, Frank opened the door, an anxious look on his face that changed to a relieved one when he was at the door. 

-You two fucking idiots, get in- He dragged them in and closed the door loudly, pushing them until they were in the living room, where a nervous looking Dallon was gnawing on his thumb and a nervous looking Gerard was pacing around the room. 

-You two!- Gerard’s tone wasn’t as loud as in the call, but it still was a stern teacher tone that no matter if you were one for years, it still made you tremble—what the fuck were you thinking?!- 

-We were drunk- Tyler started, crossing his arms, trying to fight back with the same tone, because, at the end of all, a PE stern teacher tone was more intimidating than an art teacher one—and, you all didn’t do anything to stop us- He pointed an accusing finger to them, Dallon stopped gnawing on his finger and looked at Tyler, frowning. 

-Stop being teachers for a moment, for the love of god- He said moving towards them—look, we’ll talk about what happened in a moment, right now, we all stink of alcohol and need to hide that, and do some fake paper work about the stupid festival Jenna thinks we’re planning- 

-We’re so fucked- Frank exclaimed helplessly, falling into the couch and letting his head rest on his hands—fucked, fucked, fucked, fucked so hard like you two did last night- He looked up towards Tyler and Josh, who glared at him. 

-Shut the fuck up, we’re in no need of your stupid analogies, right now- Dallon blurted, looking around the room trying to find something that would help them—we need some sort of alibi, okay? And we need to think quick- Gerard opened his eyes and looked at one of his paintings on the wall.

-Paint- 

-What?-

-Paint- He replied—I made my students paint for the world festival and right now I have some of the paintings, we can bring them down with some paint buckets and open them, paint can hide the smell of alcohol, trust me- Fortunately his voice had calmed down, he didn’t wait for any opinions, though, grabbing Josh’s and Dallon’s arms, dragging them upstairs to his studio. Leaving Frank and Tyler alone. 

-Tyler- Frank’s voice was soft, he knew that tone, he knew it perfectly, it was the tone everyone used when you were about to be lectured or questioned for something you did—look, last night, did you actually have sex with Josh?-

-I…we…well, yes?- Frank nodded, sighing, his hand going through his brunette hair.

-I know how it feels, to cheat on someone- He admitted, leaving Tyler perplex.

-How do you know?- 

-Oh, yeah, you never knew- He said way too calmly for the situation—I was married before being with Gerard, we met while I was married and things happened, you know- Tyler had his eyes so open that it almost looked like his eyes were going to get out of their sockets, making him laugh—yeah, I remember the first time we slept together, it felt okay, like if that was supposed to be the right thing but I remembered that I had a wife and all was going to shit for me, you know?- The guys came back down, Gerard was with a handful of canvas’ and the rest had buckets of paints—but that time there was nobody who helped me to do a cover up for everything- He helped his husband with the canvas’ putting them on the floor and coffee table, Tyler got some of the buckets and laid them next to the canvas’, Gerard opening them quickly. 

-You don’t mind getting your clothes dirty, right?- Dallon asked them all, they shook their heads and with a paint brush, he started to put some splashes of different paints on them, Tyler was a bit sad, because he really liked his shirt, and now it probably would have that pink and blue stain for the rest of his life—Tyler, we told Jenna that you were sleeping, so try to look as if you woke up- 

-Gerard’s screams woke me up- He defended himself, but still ruffled his own hair and rubbed his eyes, taking out his jacket and bundling up as if that was a makeshift pillow, leaving it in the sofa and putting his shirt a bit off. 

-Shut up, okay? We were all worried and in a moment of tension- 

Dallon finished putting paint all over everyone—including himself—and they all tried to look hurt from sleeping on the ground or in the sofa, Josh had to hit Frank on the side so he could have a reason to look pained, because he always looked pained when he woke up. And after a few minutes, someone knocked gently on the door.

-It’s her, it’s her- Tyler whispered, his breathing starting to quicken, Gerard pushed him down onto the couch and sat next to him, putting a hand on his knee.

-It’s okay, calm down- He turned towards his husband—honey? Can you open the door?- Frank nodded, getting up from the two seat and walking slowly towards the door, opening it.

-Jenna!- He said happily—hey, how’s it going, how’s the baby?- Oh god, he forgot Jenna was pregnant too.

-Hi, Frank, everything’s alright, the baby’s amazing, actually that’s why I came here- Jenna entered the house, wearing a loose shirt that hid the very small belly she had.

-What happened?- Tyler asked in his best intent of a sleepy voice, she smiled at him, all big and toothy. 

-They’re finally going to tell us the gender- And his acting of just waking up went all out of the window, he looked at his wife surprised, why today of all days?—and our families are going to come to the house, if you guys also want to tag along, I think we’re going to be more than happy- She announced, all of them looked at each other, not knowing what to say. 

-We’ll…go, we’ll go- Dallon finally spoke, the rest nodded, Tyler got up, getting his jacket and smiling at her. 

-Better get ready, right?- He kissed her on the lips, feeling a hit on the stomach as he felt Josh’s eyes looking at him hurt, but Jenna didn’t notice, nodding and saying their goodbyes to the guys. Tyler promised to send them the details later, and before he headed back to his car, he took one last look at Josh, his eyes fixated to the ground, playing with the hem of his shirt, his hair covering his eyes, but not in the way it had in the morning, it was sadder. 

When they got home he made sure to take a shower and clean his mouth in every way possible, just so the smell of alcohol and sex he had didn’t exist, the water of the shower cleaning his body, but he felt his mouth getting dry. His mind started to wander, thinking about how much had happened in a few hours of the morning, woken up next to a man, realized what he had done, still had breakfast with him, rushed towards his friends’ house, somehow made his wife not suspect anything and now was here, getting ready to know the gender of his baby. He felt sick, not caring about his future family and deciding to go to a bar just to hook up with someone. 

He stopped rubbing the soap against his body, his hands hanging at the side of his body, letting water was away the soap and flow through his body, his mouth still felt dry. The memory of last week’s sermon came to his mind “sometimes, praying isn’t just saying an Our Father, if you want to talk to Him: tell Him what’s going on, or chat, just pray, that’s how we communicate with God, He’ll listen.” Maybe this would be a good moment to do it, only him, God and water crashing against his body and the floor of the bath tub. Slowly, he did the sign of the cross, sighed and looked up at the ceiling, as if to get his attention. 

-God- His voice was small, afraid that Jenna might listen—I…it’s been some time right? Since we—well I talked to you like this- He rubbed the back of his neck, looking at his feet, soap still in his hand—look, you might’ve looked at how…awful everything’s been—for me—at least- Water hit his back—if You made all of us, why did you make me like this? Isn’t…isn’t it supposed to be a sin? Commit adultery and wouldn’t it be worse for it to be with a man?- He rubbed his eyes, trying to get water out of the way—why did you put Josh in my way? Had you intended for me to sin? Or did you intend for me to evade it? Did I look strong enough for you to try to put someone like Josh in front of me? You know how much I’ve cried, pleading you to change me, and it looks like you don’t even try, don’t give me any kind of tools, signals, only a marriage that I never wanted- He sat on the floor hugging his knees and trembling at the cold feeling of the ceramic against his back—or are you trying to prove something to me? Because if that is the case, I don’t get it- He fought the tears that were trying to get out of his eyes. 

Tyler stayed silent, not really knowing what to say, he had so many thoughts running through his head, like a sand rain that he was struck with, leaving him to fall and he couldn’t get up. Josh’s eyes, his smile, his kisses, the way their bodies moved perfectly together; Jenna’s blue eyes, the way her eyes lit up when she saw him, her hands, the ring that adorned their fingers, the baby that was coming, how he was going to have to paint the extra room they had a specific color, how he was going to wake up one day and go to the hospital in a rush, because Jenna was desperately saying “the baby’s coming, Tyler, the baby’s coming”, how he would have to repress every single feeling he had towards Josh just so he could be a good husband and parent. But he wanted to change that, change it right now, run towards Josh and wake up with him every morning, make breakfast together, watch some movie on the TV while they laced their hands together, get together for work and ride towards the school in their car, while listening to music and singing along. 

-Tyler?- Jenna knocked on the door, making him look up—is everything alright there? You’ve been in there for quite some time- He stood up quickly, starting to rub the soap on his body again.

-Yes, yes, just, lost control of time, I’ll be out right now, honey!- He called back, hoping she was smiling, shaking her head and going back to her room.  
He finished showering, closing the tap and getting out of the shower, wrapping a towel around his waist and getting out of the bathroom, walking towards his room, entering and seeing it empty, he opened the closet and stared at it for a moment, he remembered Jenna saying that he should wear a blue or pink shirt, whatever gender he wanted the baby to be. He was kind of rooting for a gray shirt as he didn’t care about the gender of the baby, it was his child, and even though he hadn’t want to marry Jenna, he was kind of glad that he was having a child now. The first months were kind of hard, trying to deny that his wife was pregnant, but now, that he had gone to every echography, felt their first kicks and heart beats, his mind changed, he felt attached to them, that little kid was going to be his life, he knew he would be a good parent. 

At the end he went with a pink shirt.


	7. The Pantaloon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't really so good, so read it quickly and forget it ever happened.

The joy of finding that a little girl was on the way lasted as long as a month. Tyler even called his friends to help him paint the room, Gerard had done some beautiful designs on the walls and Josh actually stayed a little longer, just so they could feel each other’s lips again. And yes, during that month they’ve met a lot of times to sleep together, kiss, and touch each other. The guilt did kill Tyler, when he went back home or Jenna arrived from work and had to see her and tell her that he was just doing some work at the school or receiving “parenting lessons” from Frank and Gerard. But he forgot whenever he was with Josh. 

A Tuesday afternoon, when Tyler finished a training with his team and went to his office, taking out his phone, ready to call Jenna and say that he was going to be back early, Josh actually was pretty busy with some grading so Tyler didn’t want to bother him. And as soon as he unlocked his phone, a call came, his mother’s contact popping up in the id, he answered, kind of confused.

-Mom?- 

-Tyler- Her voice was uneasy, trembling, as if she had been crying or was trying to hide her tears—your father is in the hospital- her voice broke at the end and a sob escaped. 

-What?- He asked hoping it was a joke—you have to be kidding me-

-No, Tyler, it isn’t a joke- Her small sobs made his heart break, he started to put everything on his sport bag, ready to head back to his car and rush towards the hospital. 

-In which hospital is he?- His hands were shaking as he closed his office, starting to run towards the parking lot.

-The one near our house- Tyler remembered that place perfectly, all of it because of the many fractured bones he and his brothers had when kids, and the different vaccines he had to get in that place.

-Is he fine right now?- His voice was now waving too and it took some tries to get the key into the engine. 

-Yeah, he’s controlled- The both fell silent as Tyler started to drive—the doctor is going to tell us everything soon- 

-Okay, I’ll be there right now- He hung up, throwing his phone in the passenger seat, on top of his bag. He drove quickly to the hospital, never turning on the radio, driving in silence. His dad was in the hospital, he didn’t know how bad he was, he didn’t know what even happened to him. All he hoped was that it hadn’t been something that could destroy his life. Because even though he practically made him marry a person he didn’t love, it was the father that took care of him most of his life, the one that granted him a job and that supported him on practically everything. 

When he parked the car in the hospital he ran towards the entrance, asking the lady in the desk where his father was, the nurse, who somehow managed to calm him with her sweet brown eyes and perfectly painted nude pink lips; informed him that nobody could see his dad and that he could stay in the waiting room in the meantime. Which he did, finding his mom and hugging her tightly, she shook in his arms, hugging him back reaping over and over “I was so scared.” “I didn’t know what to do.” “I want to see him.” Tyler could only say comforting words to calm her. And when she finally did, Tyler started to ask her about what happened. 

-I was cooking dinner for us and he started wheezing, it was so bad, he was starting to turn blue, and I just called emergency and—I was so scared of losing him- She told her son, who hugged her once again and closed his eyes, wishing this was all a dream, but when he opened his eyes, the waiting room’s cream colored walls stared back at him. 

-Did you call my brothers?- His mom nodded.

-They should be here soon- She said wiping a tear from her eyes. A doctor came in, holding some papers in his hand. 

-Relatives of Chris Joseph?- The both looked up, raising their hands slightly.

-It’s us- Tyler answered.

-I’m his wife- His mother continued—is he okay? Is everything alright?- 

-Your husband is in a perfect condition, just a really bad case of asthma, would you like to see him?- The both nodded quickly, following the doctor when he got out of the room, they went to the room where his father was, and luckily, his state wasn’t as bad as Tyler thought it might’ve been. He was connected to oxygen and looked stupidly pale, it wasn’t a nice view, but his dad was fine and attempted a smile when he saw his elder son and wife come into the room. 

-Kelly, Tyler- His voice was a whisper, it hurt to listen, but the both still managed to put a smile.

-Hi, dad, you gave me a big scare there, you know?- Tyler tried to joke, so he could hide the actual heaviness on his chest. 

-The kids are coming, they’re just as worried as the both of us- The doctor stood in front of them, at the other side of the bed, his hands with his father’s medical history. 

-His lungs had mucus, luckily we could drain it out- He informed—but there is something I would like to inform you and the rest of your sons when they get here- His tone was serious, but that didn’t help them, it just made them even more worried of everything. 

Luckily Tyler’s brothers came soon, hugging their dad and then proceeding to look at the doctor with worried eyes when he cleared his throat, he looked at the papers in his hand, Tyler grabbed his sister’s hand and gave it a little squeeze, knowing she was the most worried one out of the rest. 

-Okay, there is a reason of why he had this episode- The doctor referred directly to his father—you have cystic fibrosis- All of them looked at each other worried, thinking that it might be a lethal disease that could kill their father right in that moment—it’s an hereditary disease that creates mucus in the lungs, stomach and other areas of the body- He explained calmly—it is far more common on kids and young adults, it’s very rare to see on adults, though there has been cases of people presenting it later in life- 

-Is it…mortal?- Jay, the second kid of the Joseph’s asked, hugging his mother’s side.

-If it’s not treated, yes, but, there is a treatment- 

-But how did he get it? No one in his family presented it- Tyler’s mother questioned, looking at the doctor with a frown.

-A lot of people have the gene but never present symptoms- Tyler frowned—the only way that it can manifest is that both parents have the gene, this must be the case for Mr. Joseph- The doctor’s voice was still serious—if your mother also has the gene there is an opportunity of one in four to actually have it- The brothers all looked at each other, hoping that this wasn’t the case. At least for Tyler, he didn’t want it, to suddenly start coughing or wheezing and end up in the hospital, in a worse state than their father—we can do studies to prove this, see if your mother has the gene and if any of you could possibly have it, in that way we can start a treatment¬, though, it’s harder to see if someone has CF after someone’s eighteen-

The rest went like a blur, the doctor kept talking, everyone was nodding, they all said their goodbyes to their parents and each brother went their own way, during all of this Tyler was silent, thinking about it, they were all in a risk of having a disease that they probably didn’t know if they could pass it to their kids. It killed him that his daughter could probably have to spend days and nights on the hospital, connected to an oxygen tank or just having to have endless test done on her, just so she won’t die because of an infection on her lungs. And the thought of that being his case instead of hers didn’t get his hopes up too. 

Without knowing, he was in front of Josh’s house, he was almost set on autopilot while he stopped the engine, got out of the car and did the little walk towards the front door, he rang the bell and waited, looking at his shoes while he waited for Josh to open the door. 

-Tyler?- Josh asked as soon as he opened the door, he received no verbal answer though, just a hug from Tyler as sobs escaped his mouth—Tyler, Tyler, what’s wrong?- He walked backwards so the both could be inside the house, he also somehow managed to close the door while still letting Tyler hug him—seriously, what happened?- 

-It’s stupid- He said, letting Josh drag him to the couch and run his hands through his hair.

-It’s not stupid- Even though Josh didn’t know why Tyler was crying on his arms, he knew it couldn’t be stupid, Tyler wasn’t the kind of guy that would cry over something stupid.

-My dad- He managed to get out through a strangled sob—he’s…he’s sick- Josh frowned, Tyler didn’t look at him, his face hid on the crook of his neck.  
-Is he alright?- Josh’s hand went from Tyler’s soft brown hair to his back. Tyler nodded in response. 

-He’s alright- He breathed in, trying to stop his sobs—but it’s—what he has—its hereditary- Josh got worried, he hugged Tyler closer to himself and Tyler just cried harder.

-Don’t worry, don’t worry, you don’t have it, Tyler, you don’t have it- He started rocking them both, just so Tyler would calm down. They went like this for a few moments, he even pressed a kiss on top of Tyler’s head a few times, and when his sobs finally stopped, he let himself pull apart from him, looking at his puffy red eyes. 

-What if I do?- He asked in a broken voice. 

-What does your dad have?- He questioned back. 

-It’s this disease that fills your lungs with mucus and can cause lethal lung infections- He remembered the doctors words, Josh tried to smile, but it rather looked like a failed attempt to hide a pout, and it made Tyler look back down, tears starting to threaten again.

-No, no, Tyler, look at me- Josh grabbed his chin with his thumb delicately, making their eyes meet again—you don’t have it, and nothing bad will happen to you, you got me? I believe it- Tyler made a small smile appear on his lips. 

-Thank you- His voice was small, he pressed a soft kiss against Josh’s lips. It felt right—thank you- 

-Why are you thanking me?- Josh asked, lacing their hands together. Still felt right.

-For always being there when I act like this, all exaggerated and shit- Josh kissed him now. He loved the feeling of it being right.

-It’s because I love you- Josh’s voice was a whisper, the both kissed now, their lips were soft and their movements were completely synced. Tyler’s mind could only think “right, right, right, right, right, right” all of the thoughts of his dad’s sickness and the possibilities of him or his daughter having went away, all just with a kiss, a kiss from Josh.

They stayed there, their bodies pressed together and soft kisses against their lips, no more words being said, just their bodies allowing to communicate all, with the sounds of neighbors’ houses filling the silence that was in the house.

-Shouldn’t you go back?- Josh was the one who broke the silence after some time, Tyler simply hugged him closer, wrapping his arms harder, making him laugh—seriously, you should go back, Jenna might get worried- He said in a calm voice, hopping that bringing her up wouldn’t cause Tyler’s mood to go down.

-I might- He admitted—I just love being with you so much- He kissed him once more. 

-We’ll do that tomorrow, okay? We can spend the evening here, alone, just the two of us- He kissed Tyler’s temple—we can watch a movie, cook something you like, play some videogames, anything you want, love- Tyler’s stomach fluttered when the nickname came out of Josh’s lips.

-Okay, tomorrow, promise, right?- He looked at Josh’s eyes hopefully, Josh nodded, giving Tyler one last kiss and getting up.

-Promise, now, go back home, Jenna must’ve made something delicious for dinner- Tyler followed, hugging Josh once more and getting out of the house.   
He was going to be alright, he wasn’t sick, and his child was going to be fine.


	8. Taxi Cab

Winter was close, the air was getting more and more frigid, snow was starting to fall onto the ground, houses were starting to have a white glow on them every morning, and Tyler was dreading his birthday.

            -I’m getting older- He said to Josh as he stroked Tyler’s hair softly, he hummed in response.

            -That’s what people do, right?- Tyler shrugged, leaning in closer to Josh, watching the movie that was playing on TV. The both were in Josh’s house, he had made hot chocolate and invited Tyler over.

            -Yeah, but when you realize that you are also getting older it’s…I don’t know, you feel strange- He grasped the mug on his hands tighter, hoping it would warm his hands more.

            -You wish you still were a teenager?- Josh asked, his hand now going to Tyler’s waist, stroking it softly, he sighed.

            -Not exactly- He admitted—more like when I was twenty, I loved being twenty- He took a sip of the chocolate, feeling the marshmallows Josh had put on the mug sweeten it.

            -Why?-

            -I was in college, I had friends that understood me and…and I liked someone- His voice was soft, Josh quirked an eyebrow at the last part.

            -You liked someone?- Tyler closed his eyes, turning towards Josh’s chest, breathing in his chest. He smelled like woods and cologne, it was intoxicating in the best way.

            -Yeah- His voice was muffled by Josh’s shirt—he was in one of my classes, he was cute- He said with a smile, remembering his brown chocolate eyes and black hair.

            -As cute as me?- A laugh escaped from Tyler’s lips as he sensed Josh’s jealousy.

            -No, you’re not cute, you’re the most handsome and beautiful man in the world- He tried to confirm how much he loved him by kissing his lips softly, earning a chuckle from Josh.

            -I love you- He whispered, giving Tyler another soft kiss.

            -I love you too- Josh looked out of the window, the little snow that was falling had stopped and the sun was starting to set, showing beautiful oranges and pinks on the sky.

            -Do you want to go for a ride?- Tyler looked out of the window as well, and after some seconds, his eyes went to his mug, which was almost empty.

            -Yeah, let’s go, but I ride- He said getting up from the couch, going to get his winter jacket, which was in another couch.

            -Sure thing- Josh shrugged on the jacket he wore for work and his beanie, Tyler simply put the hood of his yellow hoodie on and zipped his black winter jacket, both of them heading outside to Tyler’s car.

The air outside was cold, sending shivers down their spines as they made the short walk towards the car, their feet sinking down in the probably two inches of snow there were on the ground. The house in front of Josh’s had already hanged their Christmas lights and their glow was almost a blur in between the snow and fog that was starting to get up the windows.

Tyler opened the driver’s side door and got in, unlocking the passenger sides and letting Josh get in. He started the car as Josh turned on the radio, some rock station coming on. The both sat in silence as they listened to the music and Tyler drove out of the neighborhood. Letting the white covered houses go past them.

            -What happened to that guy you liked when you were twenty?- Josh finally asked after they were out in the main road, leaning his head against the window.

            -We were close to being a thing but…his family caught us…doing something, and they just moved states, he changed his number and…and I never knew anything about him anymore- He still remembered the kisses they were having, the way they roamed their hands through their bodies softly, how they didn’t hear the door unlocking because they were sure that they had locked it, the terrified gasp of his sister, how they were screamed at for what seemed hours, how the grip on his arm was tight as they dragged him out of the house, the feeling of not seeing him after a week and the way he cried at night while the words of one of his friends went through his head _“He moved states—I seriously don’t know where he went—sorry, Ty”_

            -And you never tried to talk to him again?-

            -I was afraid- He said simply, turning right, towards the sunset, knowing there was a parking lot where they could be alone as nighttime fell.

            -Are you afraid of this?- Josh asked referring to their relationship. Tyler kept his eyes on the road, his hands grasping the steering wheel gently.

            -I’m never afraid when I’m with you- The both smiled, but Tyler’s flattered suddenly—but when I go back to reality I’m afraid that something would happen and we’ll—you—would go away, or I went away- The parking lot got closer, Tyler drove a little bit faster.

            -I’m never going away- Josh put a hand on Tyler’s leg, as a way to reassure him his statement. Tyler drove silently until he parked on the other end of the parking lot, he stopped the car and grabbed Josh’s face gently with his hands and kissed him, deep and sweet, he wanted to show him how much he loved him in just one kiss.  

            -I love you—so much—I never, ever, want to lose you- He said after they separated, looking at Josh’s eyes, they were filled with love and hope. Hope that their relationship—this—was going to last for long, for the longest time ever.

The both watched the sunset together, hands intertwined leaning awkwardly on each other. But that didn’t matter, the fact that they could see an amazing sunset together, like this, mattered to them so much, it was a moment that didn’t need words, just touches and single looks every once in a while. As the sun was going down the both felt something, that feeling of rightness that invaded their bodies whenever they were together, the both knew that they wanted to be together with all their souls that they wanted this façade to vanish, for Tyler to only be Josh’s.

When the sky turned black they finally looked back at each other. It felt comforting, that the night sky had fallen and they had watched it together, it felt as if a bond formed between them, one so tight that they knew that no matter what happened, they wouldn’t be able to break it. It was a _them_ moment, nobody else, only Tyler, Josh and the night sky.

            -I was thinking about something very serious- Tyler finally said, leaning back on the seat, his hand leaving Josh’s, going to his other hand, playing with his wedding ring, Josh looked at him with a raised eyebrow and a mixed expression of hope and fear.

            -What is it?-

            -I want to divorce Jenna- He said simply. He had been thinking about it for so long, and now that he had Josh on his life he just couldn’t wait more, he wanted to wake up next to him every day, kissing him without fearing for rejection. He has been pushing so many feelings inside himself that he couldn’t contain them anymore. He wanted to get them out now, be able to show them.

            -Ty…really?- Hope was written all over Josh, his eyes sparked and the smile he had was so big it looked like it almost hurt.

            -Yes, I’ll do it- Without notice Josh kissed him, his smile still present, making Tyler smile, they were going to be together, finally. No more hiding, no more fear, they would be free, free of all. The ring on Tyler’s finger would be simple jewelry, Josh wouldn’t be someone hooking up with a married man. They were going to be each other’s.

            -You can come live to my house, we can drive together to work, we’ll watch movies, we’ll—Josh stopped suddenly, his face saddening a little, Tyler was about to aske when he replied to the question he was about to make—what’ll happen to your daughter?- He asked softly.

            -Let’s see how custody works- He answered softly, caressing Josh’s hair with his hand—we can stay with her on the weekends, or we can stay one whole week with her- Josh nodded, smiling, Tyler was right, he would have her, and Tyler was going to be the best parent ever.

            -You’re going to be the best dad ever- Josh thought out loud, smiling when Tyler blushed and looked away, he took Tyler’s hand and kissed it—I swear-

            -You’re going to help me raise her, right?-

            -More than glad-

They kissed again, soft and small, but still filled with love, they thought of waking up together in bed by a little girl jumping up and down on the mattress as she enthusiastically said something about it being pancake Sunday, or helping her with her homework. They could already see Tyler playing catch with her or even having a one versus one basketball match, or Josh teaching her how to play an instrument or the both falling asleep on the couch while listening to music on his record player that he had on top of a shelf piling dust as he excused not using it by saying he hadn’t found the right person to listen to a vinyl with.

            -We would be so domestic- Josh joked, earning a laugh and a nod from Tyler.

            -A typical American breakfast we did together before going to work holding hands-

            -Do the chores together-

            -Watch movies on the couch until we fall asleep and wake up with sore backs-

            -Have a beautiful garden-

The conversation stopped there, the both playing on their minds the scenarios they had described. Their hearts fluttered as the faint smell of coffee and toast was remembered, the slow waltz steps they would do as they cleaned the floor came to their minds and a flower filled garden appeared.

            -I want to be with you so bad- Tyler admitted, looking at the stars littered across the sky.

            -Then do what you’ve wanted to do for so long- The both stayed in silent for a few seconds—be yourself, stop being afraid- Josh took his hand and gave it a small squeeze—I’m going to be there-  

            -Always?- Josh stayed still for a second, looking at his lap before nodding.

            -Even if I’m not there physically, I’m going to be there- He looked at Tyler—my hand will always be holding yours, helping you get up every time you fall down, even if I can’t get up- Tyler frowned.

            -If you’re going to help me get up, then I’ll help you get up too- Tyler tightened his grip on Josh’s hand, assuring him like Josh just had. Josh’s expression was one that he wanted to disagree, that he couldn’t get up, but something changed on him, his expression softened, something about it seemed off, but Tyler didn’t think much about it.

            -Okay- He said softly, his thumb caressing Tyler’s hand—let’s go home-

            -Can we have another cup of hot chocolate? I’m kind of freezing here- Josh laughed, nodding.

            -Yeah, sure, let’s go-

The drive was quiet as before, the music coming from the radio still playing, the dark night being lit up by the lights of the car and the few more passing by, Josh was looking outside the window, seeing how slowly houses started to appear again, he could dimly make out shapes of people in what he assumed was the living room or dining room, all together, probably talking or having dinner, the few houses that had Christmas lights on had now turned on the rest of their decorations on too, he could see some houses with LED reindeers or snowman’s covered in lights. He liked Christmas a lot, going back home and making cookies with his sister and talking about everything on dinner, the little competition he had with his siblings of seeing who can gift something better to their parents and sleeping back on his old room, that was once filled with unknown band posters and littered with CD’s.    

Tyler stopped the car when they got to Josh’s house, snowflakes starting to fall again.

            -Winter- Tyler said getting out of the car, Josh gave a sideways smile and chuckled.

            -Winter- He affirmed to nobody, getting out of the car as well.


	9. Oh Ms. Believer

During the whole day Tyler was shaking with fear, he had the divorce papers on his desk, he decided to ignore them during work, making excuses more to himself as to why he didn’t go into his office, but as the bell that indicated the day was over he couldn’t do anything more than enter. He didn’t have to do any paperwork and he didn’t have training with his team, and the walk towards his office was hell.

            -You have to do it- Josh encouraged as they got closer—it’s something you wanted to do for so long, don’t get yourself down- Tyler shrugged, hugging himself as he could see the door of the office get closer.

            -How will she act? Will she get angry? Cry?- He questioned more to himself, stopping at the door, he felt his hand go into his pocket to search for the key, freezing when he felt it.

            -You’ll only know if you say it to her- Josh slid a hand through his shoulder, squeezing one softly, that kind of brought Tyler back from staring blankly at the wooden door, unlocking the door slowly and entering the small space that he mostly used to do paperwork or have talks with parents. With a slow step he went towards his desk and opening one of the drawers, finding there the divorce papers, all put inside a folder neatly, his hands were shaking as he took the yellow folder, pressing them to his chest and closing the drawer, nodding at Josh, who was leaning against the door frame, giving him a small reassuring smile.

            -I’m ready- Josh went over him and took his hand, giving a small nod and walking out of the office, letting Tyler close the door before walking out of the school, snow falling. Josh decided to go with him to his house, just to sit inside the car and wait until it was all finished so he could comfort Tyler.

The walk through the parking lot was slow, letting the freezing early December days seep through their warm clothes, Tyler was clutching the papers with dear life as if they would slip out of his hands with the most fragile breeze, Josh looked at him with a mixed look of sadness and comprehension, the thought of having to go through a divorce just killed him, and he was a third involved and it must be even worse when the other person must still be in love with you. But he knew that Tyler needed it, he thought if even they weren’t something, if they just were friends, he perfectly knew that Tyler would do this one day, because you can’t lie to yourself for so long, one day you just have to let it all slip from your hands and face your reality.

As soon as they got in the car the cold chilly air was replaced by some warmness, and as soon as Tyler started the car, leaving the papers on his lap, the heater started working, Josh stretched his arm towards the radio and turning it on, a modern music station playing softly. The both stayed silent for a few moments, letting the music take in for their conversation, but Josh still felt the tension on the man right beside him, so he decided to speak, just to try to get him out of his thoughts.

            -So, after this, do you want to watch a movie at the cinema? I invite- He asked, hoping Tyler accepts, he simply shrugged, eyes fixated on the road as if he was entranced by it.

            -Maybe- He replied dryly, sending shivers down Josh’s spine, he didn’t like it when Tyler was like this.

            -We can go to place?- He suggested again, talking more softly now, it was really hard to tell how would he react in these moments, he didn’t want to angry him or make him sad.

            -Maybe- The same reply in the same dry tone, lacking any emotions as his eyes were still on the road, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly and his whole body tense. He doubted for a few moments before putting his hand on top of Tyler’s thigh, stoking it once before looking at him, somehow he had loosened his grip on the steering wheel and his eyes softened, but his body was still tense.

            -We’ll go to my place- He decided for them both—and I’ll make us some dinner we can eat over the couch and watch one of those reruns of a show or see one of those shitty only for TV movies- Tyler nodded once, somehow his body got a little less tense by the suggestion Josh gave him—you don’t have to respond now- he said softly—we can continue later, okay?- Now Tyler nodded twice, relaxing completely, Josh took his hand out of Tyler’s thigh, letting the music fill them again.

Even if Josh had talked to him about what they could later, he still felt anxiety creep up on him, his thoughts slowly spiraling into a worse one, it got to the point where he thought that Jenna was probably going to kill him, he had no idea how she would react, and that was what scared him the most, she was sweet and loving and cheerful, but she was never faced with something like this on her life, her reaction might change, she might get angry, or sad, it was a divorce with the man she loved after all, she probably wouldn’t understand, the both seemed so happy and he was going to drop the biggest bomb on her, destroying what they had built in and insant.

            -Tyler- Josh’s voice took him out of his thoughts—I’ll be there all the time, if it gets much, just get in the car, or call me, I know it must be hard- His soothing voice was helping the anxiety and bas train of thoughts fade slowly into thoughts of the future he would have with Josh, finally being himself.

The sight of his house felt like a hard rock on his stomach, the papers on his lap felt heavier somehow and the music became dimmer, he felt his breath hitch on his throat and he couldn’t help but grip his hands on the steering wheel again. Josh looked at him while Tyler parked the car in front of the house, sighing as he saw the tension the other man had before fill him again. Tyler looked at Josh, he didn’t know why, maybe for reassurance, or just so he can say that they should avoid all of this and escape together to other country and start from zero, but Josh simply nodded, took his hand and gave it a little tug, smiling sideways and giving him a small peck on the lips, that was enough for Tyler to take the papers and get out of the car, leaving Josh behind to do by himself what he always wanted to do.

He entered his house with shaky hands, hiding the papers on his jacket, he felt sick to the stomach.

            -Tyler! Honey, how was your day?- Jenna asked while coming out of the kitchen, a lavender apron fitting her perfectly, showing her belly, he smiled sadly, he had to do this, he _had_ to, and just knowing that his daughter would grow up without him on the scene 24/7 kind of made him just to hide the papers forever.

            -Normal, you know, training and sweaty teenager snarling at me for making them run one lap more- He explained calmly, making her laugh and shaker her head, blonde hair swaying slightly at the movement.

            -You should give them a break, its winter, really cold to do sports- Tyler shrugged.

            -How was your day?- He asked, deciding to change the subject.

            -As they decided to give me the pregnancy break or whatever, I just spent my day cooking- She said with a sigh—but, I did pizza- Her tone became a happy one, Tyler knew he couldn’t wait more, and just talking with her would just make this harder and harder.

            -Before that, I really want to tell you something- His mind was going on a spiral of the same thought “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck” over and over again, it made him sick thinking that all her happiness was going to be gone in a few moments, all by his fault.

            -Okay, sure, what is it?- She raised an eyebrow, small smile still on her face.

            -Can we go outside?- He asked back, now she was cocking her head at the side, but didn’t question further, taking her apron out and changing it by her winter jacket, closing it fully, the both went outside, to their back yard, the grass starting to be topped by snow.

            -What do you want to tell me?- Jenna asked wrapping her arms around herself, Tyler took a shaky breath. His heart pounding against his chest furiously as he looked at her in the eyes.

            -Jenna—I’m—this is really hard for me, I’ve known you for so long and this hurts so much—

            -What are you trying to say?- She asked worriedly, cutting him.

            -I’m—I’m…so sorry, it’s…fuck this is so hard to say- All the words he had practiced to say to her were gone, his mind went blank and he was improvising by this point, hoping his babbling would make some sense—Jenna, I don’t love you like a husband does- Her face changed drastically, frown immediately forming, her eyes starting to water, hands tugging harder at her sides—I never did because…I don’t like women- His hand was starting to grip at the zipper of his jacket, ready to take out the divorce papers, but Jenna suddenly smiled, shaking her head and letting a small laugh go through.

            -That’s such a good joke- She said softly, Tyler looked at her with wide eyes, not believing what was she saying—saying that your gay, real funny- She wasn’t even sarcastic.

            -I’m not joking- He said softly, looking at her in disbelief—Jenna, I’m not straight- He said more confidently now, but all he received from her was a playful roll of eyes.

            -Honey, it’s not April fool’s, and it’s so obvious your straight, your married, you’re in no way attracted to your male friends, c’mon—

            -Jenna, I’m sleeping with a man- He let out, not knowing what else to say to convince her. Her expression changed again, knitting her eyebrows together.

            -How? Your always back home for dinner, you never smell like someone else, how?-

            -After work, I go have sex with him after work- He said dryly, hoping his voice won’t crack—I want divorce- He said finally, unzipping his jacket and taking out the papers, showing her the folder, she took them with shaking hands, opening it, her eyes looking at them carefully, examining them, she closed the folder and put it up, showing it to him.

            -This is a joke, right?- She asked—this has to be a joke- She answered herself, other hand going to her hair—we’ve been married for five years, almost six, and you’re telling me that you’re gay _and_ you want the divorce?- She lifted up the papers to the level of her face, Tyler stayed silent and still—now, now of all times, we’re going to have a child!- She exclaimed.

            -Jenna—He started—I’m still going to be there for the girl, but, please understand, I couldn’t say it to anybody, I’m from a very Christian family, I felt afraid of being myself, but now, now I’m sure of what I like, what I want- He took a deep breath—you’re the most amazing woman anyone could ever met, I’m so glad I did, but understand that you’re more like a friend to me—

            -So much like a friend that we dated for two years, got married and got me pregnant, congratulations- She said sarcastically, every word she said hitting him like a knife on the chest.

            -I did everything because my family told me to, I never wanted to marry a girl, never, but my family said I had to-

            -And why couldn’t have you told me this as soon as we met, that you…weren’t interested in me- Tears started to fall down her eyes—since day one I fell head over heels for you, gave you so much careless love, all my heart and soul were poured into you, I thought you loved me as much as I loved you, for almost eight years I thought that…but now you’re slapping me with the truth- She said with quiet sobs in the middle of some words.

            -I couldn’t dare myself to hurt everyone with that- He said, trying to fight back the tears—my family would’ve been disappointed, you probably would hate me for the rest of your life, and…and I hate myself for everything- He admitted.

            -You would have done so much good if you told them from the get go, or even just told me in a date- The tears on her face kept rolling, the folder on her side—Tyler, I love you-

            -Jen…I…I’m sorry- His face fell to watch his shoes sinking on the snow.

            -Who is the guy?- She asked softly, Tyler looked up at her.

            -I met him at work- Jenna nodded, she probably already knew who it was.

            -I’m glad Josh is the one that’s going to have you- She said after moments of silence, tears stopping from her eyes—I’m mad that you decided to tell me this just now, but…I accept you, you know I’m not as close minded as the rest of our families, and…I’m going to accept the divorce- Her voice broke at the word—but promise me that you’ll be there when I give birth, that you’ll come with me to the doctor, I’m letting you be her parent, just because I know you’ll love her-

            -I promise- He whispered, suddenly, Jenna had her arms around him, hugging him tightly, he returned the hug, tears finally coming down his eyes.

            -Can I have one more kiss before you go?- She whispered, and he knew he couldn’t say no, so he took her chin and looked at her in the eyes, remembering their wedding, the way her eyes sparkled as he took off her veil, and he kissed her, sweet and passionate, one hand on the small of her back and the other holding her chin. As soon as they separated, she sighed, smiling sadly at him, and he gave the same smile back—bye, Tyler-

            -Bye, Jenna- And he got out of the house, closing the door and getting back to the car. Jenna accepted him, he knew her, she accepted people, he was scared of how long it took him to say it, they had a life together, and he broke it, but she still just went with it, accepting who he was and who his heart belonged to.

 As soon as he got close to the car he saw Josh doing something on his phone, probably scrolling through social media, but as soon as he opened the door, Josh locked his phone, looking at him expectantly.

            -How did it go?- He asked worriedly as he saw no expression on Tyler’s face, mouth set in a line and eyes showing no emotion. Slowly, Tyler raised his hand that had his wedding ring and took it off, smallest of smiles adorning his face.

            -She agreed- He said holding back tears of joy—and I will be able to see my daughter- Josh didn’t hesitate as he took Tyler in his arms, hugging him so tightly the both thought Josh would end up suffocating him.

            -So, this means—

            -We can be together-

The both started crying out of joy.


	10. Isle Of Flightless Birds

The day after Tyler told Jenna the whole truth, she called him, saying that she wanted to talk again and so he could pack his stuff so he can take them to Josh’s place.

This time though, Tyler decided to go alone, leaving Josh back in the house doing some work for his class. He got on his car and drove with soft music playing in the background, he could feel like a ton of bricks were left out of his shoulders, he could feel free, he wasn’t going to worry anymore about loving someone he doesn’t.

As soon as he arrived to his now old house he turned off the car and walked up to the front porch, his feet sinking in the inch of snow that was covering the whole neighborhood, as soon as he was in front the front door he was about to take out his keys but then remembered that he left them back at Josh’s—no— _his_ place, so he rang the doorbell waiting with his hands on the pockets of his winter jacket, swaying his feet back and forth as he waited for Jenna to open the door.

When she did, she was glad to see him, a small smile on her face and a simple kiss on the cheek, he could get used to that, she invited him in and he did, sitting on the couch as he saw her do the same.

            -Why did you call me here? I mean, I was going to call you so I could come pack my clothes, but you did it before- He explained furrowing his brows in confusion.

            -Well…I was talking with Kelly, my friend from work, and she told me that it should be better to be divorced after the baby is born, you know, for custody and all those boring adult things- She explained—and I thought, “hey, why not?” but still, if you don’t want to accept it, I will sign the papers if you want now- Jenna said calmly, leaving Tyler to think about it for a moment, that would mean he would have a fair time with his daughter (or however the jury would decide) he thought it was fair, and that way the girl could have his last name.

            -Yeah, that sounds good, let’s do it that way- He said with a smile, looking at Jenna, her belly was big, his daughter was there, that made his heart flutter—like every single time he thought about his daughter and being a father in general.

The conversation died from there, they went completely silent, not knowing what to say, it wasn’t precisely awkward, but Tyler didn’t really have an idea of what to say, he thought about just getting up and start to pack all of his things, but then he thought it again and realized it was rude to just get up and start packing, so he waited for her to say or do anything.

            -So, do you think about telling your family about all that’s been going on?-

There it was, the dreaded question that made him want to just change the subject immediately, he has gotten it ever since high school, but it was just from Dallon or other friends, he even had gotten it from Josh once, and every single time it was the same: he would start twiddling his thumbs, look to another thing in the room and change the subject. But now he couldn’t avoid it, he really did have to tell them soon, with his daughter being in the picture soon and with the whole divorce thing too. It was going to come upon them soon, but he really didn’t want it to come from third parties or whatever, he wanted to affront this problem by himself. The thing was when and how he was going to drop the bomb to them.

            -Well, I have to, right?- He said shyly, putting his hands on his legs just to not start twiddling his thumbs—but I don’t know when or how- Jenna nodded understandingly, putting her hands over her belly, looking at him in a quizzed way.

            -I know this must be hard, you know, people put expectations on you: born, grow, reproduce and die, but you don’t want that and breaking it must me so hard emotionally, so just know that, whatever happens, I’m here, as a friend, as a shoulder you can cry on, but know that however you decide to come out, trust me that your brothers will accept you-

            -How do you know that?- He asked seriously intrigued, she looked at him with a smile.

            -I guess the Joseph’s are blind- She joked—Jay always talks about this boy and remember that Christmas he brought him over? They stayed all the day in his room and the next day they just hid their necks and I think the boy was limping—

            -I understood- He said quickly, it was strange to hear her talk like that, he always thought of her as this sweet girl that used sweet words, not ever saying his brother’s friend was walking strangely because they probably had sex—but if you suppose one of my brothers is _that_ what do you have to assume that Zack and Maddie will accept me?-

            -They’re young, like us, we understand, we have such a different mindset than our fathers and grandfathers, we all know that it isn’t bad to _love_ someone, they’ll be on your side, I know it, they love you and they will fight for and with you until the end of your days- She said with a smile on her eyes, he liked when she did that, it was so special and unique, it was able to lit up the whole room.

            -How can you be so convincing?- He asked crossing his arms over his chest, she simply shrugged and gave him a small smile.

            -Maybe because I know the truth, and the truth is sincere and convincing- He bit his lips, looking at the coffee table and nodding—so, do you want to chat a little bit more, or are you ready to pack your things- He looked at the time, he probably should start packing.

            -I’m going to start packing- He said getting up and helping Jenna so the both could go to the main room and see Tyler’s clothe slowly disappear into suitcases.

It took four suitcases to put all of his clothes in, as well as documents and other essentials, Tyler took all of them to the car alone, telling Jenna that she shouldn’t do so much work, that just putting clothes in suitcases was enough.

They said their goodbyes with a kiss on the cheek and a hug, Tyler disappeared into his car and drove back to his new home. He felt himself smile at that, _home_ , it truly felt like that, a home, where he felt safe and secure, he had spent so long calling home a simple house where he felt awkward and uninvited, but now, he felt like he was where he was always supposed to be, always.

As soon as he opened the front door he was hit with a smell of just made coffee and pancakes.

            -Hey, honey- He felt himself melt as those words coming out of Josh’s mouth directed at him—I made pancakes- Tyler smiled, how did this man always find time for doing these kind of sweet things and still be punctual with work?

            -You’re so sweet- He said watching him appear from the kitchen, his hair pushed back and some pancake mix on his black shirt and nose—and adorable- The both shared a small kiss.

            -Oh, shut up, I’m just clumsy- He said with a smile, making Tyler imitate him.

            -Well then, you better stop being so clumsy right now as I need to get my suitcases inside- Josh’s face lit up immediately as he heard the words suitcases.

            -So…that means—

            -Yes, I officially moved in- Josh smiled brightly as he took Tyler in his arms, spinning him around—Josh! Don’t exaggerate!- He laughed, only seeing a whirl of pretty pastel pink hair as the man spun them both.

            -You moved in!- He exclaimed as he stopped, letting Tyler back on the floor, the both of them being a little bit dizzy—c’mon, let me help you get things in- He stumbled towards the door, grabbing two of the suitcases, one in each hand, and dragged them both inside, leaving them near the sofa, Tyler followed him with other two suitcases, Josh quickly ran towards the last suitcase, leaving it with the other ones and running towards the kitchen, Tyler simply watched him with a smile when his phone rang on his pocket, he took it out and saw his dad’s name pop up in the id, he answered it with a smile.

            -Hi, dad-

            -Tyler, hello, how have you been?-

            -Better than ever- He said truthfully.

            -Oh, I’m glad!- His dad exclaimed with joy—so, we’re having a family lunch for your cousin, you know, before she goes back to Australia and we want you to come- Tyler felt his whole body tense up and his stomach drop.

Family reunion, he wasn’t with Jenna anymore and he would probably have to tell them there, ruin the whole reunion just to tell everyone that he was with a man now.

            -O-oh! I’m…I’m glad to hear that, I’ll uh…yeah I’ll go-

            -Great! Don’t forget to come with Jenna, we all want to see the little girl, have you still thought a name for her?- Tyler was about to end the call and have a heart attack in that moment.

            -We uh…well, I was thinking Ruby being a good name-

            -And what does she think?- He swallowed hard, his hand going to the back of his neck.

            -She…she agrees- Was the first thing that came to his mind, hoping his dad would just stop asking questions and finish the call.

Which he did, with a simple “Amazing! See you on Sunday”, Tyler shoved his phone back on his pocket and walked slowly to the kitchen, where he could smell the scent of maple syrup and coffee, Josh trying to make his pancakes look like they came out of a magazine.

            -You were talking to your dad?- He asked as Tyler’s footsteps came closer, he stopped, sighing and running a hand through his brunet hair.

            -Yeah…family reunion- Josh turned, his hair falling on his eyes from moving so fast, his eyes were wide in something that looked like surprise and terror.

            -So…-

            -I’m going to tell them- Josh’s footsteps were slow as he approached the other man and took him in his arms, leaving Tyler’s head on the crook of his neck.

            -Baby—

            -I’m going to do it…and I will go with you- His voice was muffled by his position, but Josh still understood him, kissing his head softly.

            -I’m proud of you- Tyler finally hugged back.

Now they just had to wait for Sunday.

Which came much faster than Tyler wanted too. As soon as he woke up by his alarm which he conveniently entitled “The day I might get taken out of the family heritage” he wanted to sleep again, telling Josh that he might tell his family that he’s sick and postpone the “coming out of the closet” deal to a moment where it’s just his parents and siblings, but Josh had insisted on them going “If we don’t go today, then you’re going to postpone it until you end up in a big mess, I think a family reunion is better than telling it in front of many angry faces, you know?” was what he said while pulling Tyler off their bed so he could have breakfast.

            -I’m seriously worried by your shaking, is it because of the cold or nerves?- Josh said as the both sat at the breakfast bar, thick sheets covering them from the cold, but Tyler’s shaking was getting to the point where as soon as he picked up the coffee mug, some coffee spilled on the table.

            -Option c- Was all Tyler said, leaving Josh to shake his head and run his warm fingers along Tyler’s cold arm, trying to sooth him.

            -You know- He said, his voice soft and warm—I remember when I came out of the closet to my best friend, I was just like how you are now- He explained, receiving a quizzed expression from Tyler—I was shaking and everybody was asking me if I was cold, I told everyone yes, that fall was really getting at me, I went to his house, I preferred that he threw me out of his house than he storming out of mine and having to explain why to my parents- He let out a small laugh—when I got to his house I was shaking to the point that you could hear the spare change I had on my pockets clinging, he didn’t question it though, simply walking with me to his room, and as soon as he closed the door I burst out crying, feeling that the worst that could happen, would, he asked me what had happened and I told him that I had a crush on a guy that was on our music class and that it was okay if he didn’t want to see me anymore, but he simply hugged me and told me “there’s nothing wrong with you liking guys, as long as they aren’t dicks to you, I approve them”- Tyler gave a small laugh at the mention of the word “dick” It wasn’t normal for Josh to swear, and every time he did Tyler found it amusing—I promise you nothing will go wrong when you come out to your family, have faith in it- By this time, Tyler had stopped shaking, nodding his head and finally picking up the mug without spilling some of its contents to the breakfast bar.

                                                                       -

Tyler had prepared his monologue during the whole morning, thinking about it when he was showering, dressing up, asking his mom who would go, telling Josh he looked good in those ripped jeans and as soon as they got into his car.

            -I’m only telling the people that are there when we arrive- Tyler announced as soon as he closed the door of the car, starting the ignition and gripping the steering wheel tightly, his fingers gloved.

            -Okay- Was all Josh said, his hand going to Tyler’s leg, giving it a squeeze and letting go as soon as his hand landed there—remember, just relax and everything will go alright- Tyler nodded, starting to drive to his childhood home.

The drive was silent and peaceful, the last peace Tyler felt he was going to have in the possibly longest five hours of his life.

When he stopped in the front of the house he checked how many cars were parked near his house, he counted three, his brothers, sisters and his aunt’s, so there weren’t so many people inside, great, the fewer, the better.

            -You ready to do this?- Josh’s voice took him out of his trance, making Tyler look at him with widen eyes, looking completely scared.

            -I…guess- Was all Tyler said before getting out of the car, zipping his winter jacket up, Josh followed him closely, both walking with their hands on their pockets, the cold not letting them touch in fear of losing the few of body heat that they had left from the car ride.

They walked up to the front door, and Tyler let himself knock the door with a shaky hand, the both waited in a silence that was starting to consume Tyler in anxiety. It was his brother opened the door, Zack, the one born after him, he had a smile on his face when he saw his older brother, but disappeared when he didn’t see the blonde woman that was his brother wife, instead seeing a man with pink hair and ripped jeans in the middle of winter.

            -Tyler! You came early!- Zack announced, turning towards his brother with a faux smile, making Tyler feel sick, already being judged.

            -Yeah, I came early- Tyler answered back, rocking his feet back and forth, hoping Zack would let them in soon—can we enter?- He asked, making his younger brother blink a thousand times per second before nodding and opening the door wider, letting his brother and the bubblegum pink haired man enter.

            -Tyler!- Maddison, his sister, said as soon as she saw her brother’s jet black winter jacket, running towards him to hug him, Tyler hugged back, smiling at her, sweet as always—where’s Jen?- She asked when she didn’t see her, Tyler bit his lip, looking at Josh, who nodded once, putting his own winter jacket in the rack that was next to the front door.

            -Mads…can you call mom and dad? And if anyone else is here, can you call them too?- He asked, receiving a look from his sister that was the mix of concern and genuine curiosity, Zack followed her, the same look on his face. Tyler let out a sigh, Josh coming up behind him and patting his shoulder.

            -You can do this- He said softly, guiding Tyler towards the two-person couch, making both of them sit, waiting for Tyler’s family, who arrived all at once, all of them with worried expressions, probably because of Zack and Maddie’s expressions.  

            -Tyler, honey, Maddie said you wanted to talk with us- His mother said, sitting on the three-person couch, the rest of his family that was there sitting down too, his father, siblings and aunt all sitting in other places, looking at Tyler in a confused manner. Tyler sighed, feeling his guts twist and turn with fear, it was too late to turn back now.

            -I…I…I have something to tell you all- He said after a minute of silence—it’s…hard for me to tell this to you, because I’ve been hiding it during all this time and…I still feel like it should be hidden- His hands were shaking violently and his voice wobbled twice—but I can’t let this secret consume my life and make me unhappy, not anymore- He tensed up, feeling the words catch at his throat and the stares of everybody making him wanting to hide in his childhood room and hug his pillow—all my life I’ve been feeling this way…this way that everyone tells me it’s wrong to feel, I’ve followed rules, models, I’ve followed a line that I’ve never been comfortable with, I’ve did things just because I thought they were right, but…I wasn’t happy, and earlier this year I realized that I have to make myself happy, finally think about myself for once in my life- He was trying to extend this enough just to not say the words, the words that would change everything—I’m…I’m…I like men- He said, looking at his shoes, that seemed billion times more interesting than the reaction of his family members.

            -You’re…that?- He heard his father’s voice, soft and a tinge of disappointment, Tyler nodded, still not daring to look at everyone else, not even Josh, who was probably looking at him with a worried expression, he couldn’t see it, but he just knew it.

            -What about Jenna? You loved her- His mother said, that sentence made him look up again, his whole family looking at him, he could see the mixed expression in his siblings faces, the disappointment in his parents and the shock on his aunts.

            -I never loved her, I just dated her because you told me to, I married her because you told me to-

            -But she’s going to have a baby! Your baby!- She shot back, anger making its way to her voice and body, her shoulders tensing and fists clenching in the fabric of her pants.

            -I’m going to take care of the baby, but we’re going to get divorced- The gasp that erupted from everyone’s throat was sickening to him, all a life of proudness became a disappointment in just a few minutes.

            -And I think this is the person that made you want to divorce your wife and made you become a fag- His father said angrily, pointing a nasty finger towards Josh, who simply remained silent, biting his lip.

            -I made the decision to divorce her a long time ago, even before all of this happened, and I was born like this, no one changed me- Tyler was clearly trying not to scream, his hands still shook and the couch felt more like concrete—if you don’t want a son that is going to ruin your whole social status of a perfect-white-picket fence family, then tell it to my face so I can leave- He sated firmly, crossing his arms and making his posture firm.

            -We’ll talk about this later, now just go with your gay lover, we’re going to tell Christie that you were sick- His father announced, Tyler didn’t let it show how much it had hurt him, simply getting up and taking Josh’s hand, grabbing both of their winter jackets and getting out of the house, slamming the door in the process.

            -Tyler—Josh started.

            -Fuck them- Tyler simply said—I knew this would happen, I knew they wouldn’t accept me, fuck them and fuck—

            -Tyler!- Zack’s voice cut him, making him turn around, his three siblings were running towards him, all of them in their house clothing, they hugged Tyler as soon as their older brother was close to them—we love you so much- Zack said sniffling.

            -Please don’t leave us- Maddie said, hugging Tyler’s middle tightly.

            -We accept you, and your…boyfriend, right?- Zack asked directly towards Josh, who nodded in response, hugging himself.

            -We really don’t care if you like men or women, you are our older brother, and that’s all we care about- Jay, the youngest, said looking at his brother with a smile.

            -We’ll talk to mom and dad, leave it to us- Zack announced, the other two siblings nodded—you go and have lunch in peace, we can give you guys some leftovers later-

            -Thanks guys, I appreciate it, a lot-

            -We love you, Ty- And with that the three younger brothers went back to the house while Josh and Tyler went back to the car, putting their winter jackets on.

            -And you’re officially out- Josh said as soon as he zipped his jacket, Tyler nodded.

            -I’m out- Tyler said with a sigh—wanna go eat at Taco Bell?- He asked.

            -I pay, though-

            -Deal-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Sorry for the inconsistent uploads, it's just that I've started school again (I was in winter break) and everything is just a mess, I bearly have time to get on my laptop to update this, so sorry for that, again


	11. Implicit Demand For Proof

Two weeks after the deal with his family had happened, Tyler and Jenna went to his parents’ house, both of them explaining that the divorce thing was a deal that they made, and Jenna convinced his parents that Tyler was going to be an amazing dad, no matter what was his sexual orientation was, and that the fact that he was dating a man didn’t really matter when it came to his value as a person, even though they were still apprehensive at Tyler having another sexual orientation, they decided to just not touch the subject as often and just let their son be. “It’s progress” Jenna had told him after they left Tyler’s childhood home.

It was also matter of time of Jenna to give birth too, soon enough, he was going to have his little girl on his arms, and he was excited, so, so excited. Even Josh was also shaking with excitement whenever Tyler told him how the last echography had gone and how Jenna called him excitedly telling him that the baby had finally done the whole circle and that labor was going to be just in the same day as it was planned, they even had done a small room for the little girl for whenever Tyler had her over, it was simplistic: a crib, nightstand and a small closet that they had bought from Ikea and spent more than a weekend building it.

And then, the night before the day the birth was planned to happened, Jenna called him telling him that she was going to the hospital the next day to get ready for “the big day” the both of them got backpacks filled with a change of clothes, some deodorant, a hell ton of coffee and the first change of clothes for the baby girl.

Both were there in the labor process, both held Jenna’s hands as she pushed and screamed at a nurse “I’m fucking pushing! Fucking hell!” and as soon as the doctor gasped with happiness and held Tyler’s daughter in her hands as she said “she’s a beautiful girl, congratulations” both Tyler and Josh’s faces split into grins as Jenna sighed and laid her head in the pillow she had and smiled in a dopey way at seeing her baby.

Jenna and Tyler ended up calling her Ruby Amelie, Tyler said Ruby because it was her favorite gem and Amelie in honor of Jenna’s grandmother, everyone that was in the room Jenna had been in had agreed to it, saying it was a beautiful name, Josh had even said he would dye his hair red in honor of the little girl’s name. And as soon as Jenna was sent back home, both of them had gone back to Tyler’s old house to spend the first few days with the little girl, most of the time they just ended up admiring her, saying “she’s so tiny” “she’s so gorgeous” “she’s going to have such and amazing life”. Both Tyler and Jenna had introduced Josh as “Joshie” towards the girl, even though they knew that she probably couldn’t understand it fully, they were going to let the whole “Ruby, daddy likes men, Joshie is daddy’s boyfriend” for later in her life, probably for when she was five, or less.

When Ruby was four months old, Tyler and Jenna started the divorce process, both of them getting papers sorted out, the jury decided that the custody trail would come when Ruby turned one, the rest of the months until that, Jenna would have a total custody of her. Tyler didn’t mind, Josh either, Jenna actually sent Ruby every weekend towards their house, both of them became attached to her instantly.

But it was when Tyler had gone with Jenna to a park to have a mom, dad and daughter moment that Tyler started thinking things that made him go back to the time in his life that he thought that being himself wasn’t good.

As soon as he was driving back to his home his memory filled with the images of all the families that were on the park, all of them were the same: a mother, a father, both had rings on their fingers that signaled their marriage; and one or two children, laughing happily as they played with their family. “What will happen when Ruby enters school and she sees the difference between her family and the rests?” He thought as he stopped in a red light, images of Ruby asking him “Daddy, why are Kim parents married and you and mommy not?” and not really know how to answer, his mind slowly started to spiral down to worse scenarios, of how his daughter could start hating him and calling him things, not wanting to see him anywhere and Jenna suddenly turning on him, saying to Ruby that she was right, that his dad was disgusting and that she shouldn’t be near him.

When he got home, he thought that maybe these thoughts would end, but he was wrong, they came even stronger at feeling Josh’s cologne, he had a daughter, he wasn’t married, he wasn’t straight, and he loved another man. He was wrong, so, so wrong, and it seemed that God did nothing to change that, why him, out of all people, why him that had to go through this? Gerard didn’t go through this, Frank didn’t go through this, even Josh! Though he had been acting strange for over a few months, but he had been saying that it was because his new anxiety medicine was making him feel a bit dopey and weird.

He went up to his room, the room he shared with Josh, and sat in the bed, Josh was at school, music and art teachers were having a reunion for a festival that was coming soon, and Tyler didn’t have any training with his team as the season was going to start in five more months, so they were taking it a bit easier now.

Tyler sighed as he ran his hands through his face, looking up at the ceiling, he had been having a routine now, every time he was alone, he started to pray, well, he liked more the term “talking” as he simply told God what was happening in his life in that moment.

            -Why?- He asked, his hands resting upwards on his legs—why now, that everything was going so amazingly I start feeling like this?- He bit his lips, thinking about what was he going to say next, even though he knew he wouldn’t get a direct response to it—is it really that bad to…love someone of the same gender?- Tyler didn’t know why he kept asking questions he knew wouldn’t be answered—Time ago, I asked you why you made me feel like this, and until this day I still don’t have an answer, I just put it on hold, not caring about it, but now…I suddenly feel like I need an answer to it, more desperately than before, I have a daughter, what if she doesn’t understand that her dad loves another man? What if she despises me? _Why did you make me like this?_ \- He stressed, feeling the tears start to come up to his eyes, he tried to fight them back away by shaking his head violently, heavy breaths making their way out of his mouth—I love him, I do, so much, so much that it hurts- His shaky voice that was threating to let a sob escape was taking up so much in his mind that he didn’t hear the door opening, nor the slow steps going up the stairs—I’ve never felt like this, and it feels so good at moments, to finally feel right for once, but now I think that maybe right was how I was before-

Josh stopped, looking at Tyler through the small crack that the door had, seeing how his boyfriend was looking at the ceiling, his lower lip quivering, he didn’t dare to open the door further, or make his presence noticed, he felt like this was a moment in which Tyler was venting to himself, and he wasn’t going to interrupt that.

            -Sometimes…I feel bad whenever I kiss him in front of Jenna, I feel that…I should still kiss her, hug her, hold her hand, have sex with her; not Josh- Another shaky breath—I want an answer, if for you this is a sin, why do I do it? I go to mass, I have been faithful for most of my life, I follow your rules, and you make me like this, why?- Now Tyler started crying uncontrollably, his hands hiding his face, he didn’t know what else he could say about everything, it was so much that he had to say that he couldn’t find words to explain it, so he just decided to cry, cry until everything stopped hurting, he hoped that would fix how he felt.

Josh didn’t know what to do, staring at Tyler with a sadden expression, slowly, he started to go back to the first floor, going to the kitchen and preparing himself a cup of coffee, leaving more water in the kettle for Tyler, to prepare him a cup of tea or coffee if he went back down.

Tyler stopped crying for what it seemed forever to him, the sun had already gone down and he was sure Josh had already come back, so he went into the bathroom, washed his face, hoping that that would calm the redness in his eyes and the puffiness of his nose, which it did, and after calming down his breath, he went down to the first floor, surprised to see Josh looking at him directly.

            -I…heard you- Josh said, going straight to the point and not bothering with formalities, leaving Tyler to stand in the middle of the main hall of the first floor—Tyler…what happened to make you think like that?- He asked setting his cup down in the coffee table, walking slowly towards Tyler, holding his hands softly, thinking that Tyler would back away, but he didn’t, simply watching the way his hands were being held—why do you think that you have to please someone that doesn’t give you an answer?-

            -I don’t know- Tyler answered softly.

            -Love, you are the most selfless person I’ve met, and sometimes that’s an amazing trait, but it also can sunk you down. You have given everyone you met every single part of your heart and soul to just make sure they are happy, but you also have to think about yourself, think how much you also need that happiness- Josh sighed—does being with me make you happy?-Tyler nodded—does kissing me make you happy?- He nodded once again—so why do you question your happiness?-

            -I…I don’t know-

            -So…how about you stop questioning if your happiness is enough to satisfy others and make something that makes you happy?- Josh asked, and Tyler immediately leaned in and connected their lips, his heart fluttering with joy as they kissed slowly and filled with love.

            -I love you, so, so much- Tyler said in-between kisses, Josh hummed in response, caressing Tyler’s cheek—I’m just afraid that Ruby will hate me- Josh separated the kiss, looking at Tyler in such a way that it seemed that he was staring straight into his soul.

            -She won’t, she’s going to love you and you’re going to be the best father for her, just trust me- Tyler nodded, somehow, that stare was enough to convince him in just two seconds.

Tyler was going to be an amazing dad.

Ruby was going to love him as a dad.

Josh was right, he starts to need to be a little more selfish.

Sometimes, you don’t have to please a higher entity or other people around you, you don’t need to have answers from them to make sure you have pleased them, sometimes you have to be selfish and careless, because your own happiness is crucial for others that are around you.

It took so many years and just a kiss for Tyler to finally know that.

 And now, he hoped that he could keep up to it.


	12. Friend, Please

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! i'm back from the dead, there's really no good reason for why i left (school and boring stuff like that), but now i'm back! and i'm back with the worst chapter ever to come back, so, have fun reading, i guess.
> 
>  
> 
> TW: suicide

It was a few months before Ruby was born, it was Christmas, both Tyler and Josh decided to spend the holidays with their own families, so Tyler went to spend them on his childhood home—his family surprisingly accepting of him, asking about Josh and how much they've progressed in the relationship—while Josh went with his family to Canada.

But ever since he came back from the trip, Josh wasn't the same, his eyes didn't light up, only when they talked about Tyler's daughter, for the rest, he seemed off.

Tyler remembers that, one night, right before dinner during a small skype chat while they were having. Josh had told Tyler that he was going to come out to his family, Tyler had no other option than say his best wishes to Josh, and the next day Josh had told him that the coming out went amazing, that his parents accepted him and that everything was going great, but he wasn't smiling, and he hadn't gone to visit his parents ever since he got back to the trip, Tyler tried to know what had happened by calling Josh's brother, Jordan, who he had grown attached to during those few months of them dating, Jordan had told him that things didn't go as smooth and that his parents didn't really accept the idea of Josh dating a man, told him that that family trip to Canada was going to be the last one they would have with him and that he better forget them.

Tyler tried to bring up the matter in different occasions, but Josh simply changed the subject every time. Tyler was getting preoccupied, but Josh wasn't opening up to anyone nor letting someone get close, so there was nothing anyone could do, but that didn't mean that Tyler went restless, getting worried every single passing day as he saw the man he loved being closed in by sadness.

Tyler thought Josh had finally changed after that small they had of Tyler having to have happiness for himself, he seemed a lot happier, still a bit sad once in a while, but after a month, it all faded away again, closing himself in, the shine in his eyes gone.

It was when Ruby became eight months old that she had finally said "momma" it was when Jenna had gone to Josh and Tyler's house, the three of them playing with the little girl and discussing Ruby's first birthday party ("isn't it a bit too early to think about it?" Josh asked, but both Tyler and Jenna waved him off as they stated "it's never too early"), Jenna had called Ruby, two patterns for the table cloth on her hands, she asked "Ruby, which one do you like the most?" Ruby turned her head, her small brown hair in a pretty yellow hair band, a small toy in her hand, and she said "momma", smiling at Jenna, the three of them froze, watching Ruby go back to playing, smacking Josh's leg with the toy, before they all started laughing out of joy, asking her to say it again, a string of happy "Momma! Momma! Momma!" coming out of her lips.

Tyler smiled as he saw Josh's face with a beautiful grin on it, his tongue poking from a corner of his mouth. Ruby truly was a blessing as everyone told them.

After Jenna and Ruby had gone back to their house, both Tyler and Josh staying together in the living room, staring blankly at the turned off TV, Josh had his arm wrapped around Tyler's shoulders, while Tyler's head was laying on Josh's shoulder.

-I wonder when she will finally say your name- Tyler said out of the blue, seeing his reflection staring back at him from the black glass from the TV. Josh tensed a little, his hand grasping Tyler's shoulder a bit harshly, he immediately looked at his boyfriend, rising an eyebrow as Josh's face looked saddened and scared—is everything alright?- Tyler asked worriedly, Josh nodded, giving him a faux smile.

-Yeah, just, it's a bit scary, I'm going to be part of her life, you know?- Josh said looking at Tyler's eyes, admiring them.

-Yeah, I know- Tyler answered, not believing what Josh was saying—it's scary at first, and sometimes I feel like I'm being a bad dad, not being there for her every time she needs me, but then, who knows how to be a parent? Who knows how to be with a toddler without them getting angry at you, throwing fits or anything like that? You're going to be and amazing stepdad for her, she loves you more than she loves me and Jenna together and...yeah...don't be scared of anything, life's amazing, you know?- He was trying to go into the subject of what was actually making Josh sad, hoping he could help, he wanted Josh to vent to him, or anyone for that matter, to just tell what was happening, what was making him sad.

But Josh wasn't stupid, knowing where Tyler wanted to go, so he simply said "Yeah, life's amazing, but, I'm kind of hungry, so, do you want to go do those amazing tacos we found on Instagram?" And as much as Tyler wanted to stop him and finally ask "Is everything alright?" He just nodded, both of them getting up and going to the kitchen.

Three weeks had passed, Ruby had said "dada" and had once said "Joh" as trying to say Joshie, she had given her first steps in the park, Josh was actually filming on accident, just trying to get a good shot of her little outfit that Jenna worked so hard on, and as Jenna was holding her little hands helping her stand up, she gave five steps, yet again, the three of them stood there shocked, soon, Josh started saying excitedly "I have it on video! I have it on video!"

The next day after that, Josh only had one class during the day, so he told Tyler that after that class he would go back to the house and spend the rest of the day putting scores on tests or different jobs his students gave him, Tyler said that was fine, either way, he only had an hour of practice with his team before he could get back home.

It was after the practice that he texted Josh, who had a trait of always replying quickly, disturbingly quickly, that he started to get worried. He had told him if he wanted something special for dinner, but after Josh didn't reply for more than five stop lights Tyler decided to speed up a little, Josh had been acting wat too sad and starting to make different hints at suicide and death for over more than two weeks, so, fearing the worst, he decided to take a short cut, which also had stop lights, and in one of them, his phone dinged with the message tone, so Tyler quickly unlocked his phone, seeing Josh's contact and just one word, simple, but it told so many things at the same time.

_Help._

Tyler called 911 and told the address of the house, saying that there might be a suicide attempt, he hung up and started to fight back away tears, hoping, praying, everything to just know that Josh hadn't done something bad.

He parked the car when he was in the front porch, turning the engine off as quickly as he could before sprinting to the main door, unlocking the door faster than he ever had in his life and running towards the second floor, opening each door frantically. Office, no, Ruby's room, no, bathroom, no, but the medicine cabinet was open, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. The main room, nothing, there was only one room left, the spare room they had that only had a simple bed and a nightstand, Tyler didn't hesitate as he opened the door.

He didn't know what happened first, if he fell to his knees or if he screamed as he saw Josh's body, in a corner of the room, sprawled over the floor and three bottles of pills around him, as well as some envelopes right at his feet.

-Josh?- He asked between sobs he didn't know he was letting go out of his mouth ever since he got out of the car—Joshie?- Tyler crawled desperately towards Josh's body, holding him in between his arms. He was starting to get cold. In a desperate attempt of trying to do  _anything_ Tyler started to give CPR to Josh, not knowing if that would help. But that's what people did when someone was without body signals, you gave them CPR, right?  _Right?_

But Josh didn't react, his closed eyes and slightly parted lips almost looking like a mock to Tyler. 

He didn't know he had called 911 again until the soothing voice of the operator was saying "sir, sir are you there?" with preoccupation.

-My...my boyfriend- He said simply, looking at Josh, so peaceful, asleep.

-Is your boyfriend alright, sir?- The operator asked once again, typing something quickly.

-He...he killed himself- Sobs and tears started coming out as he realized what had happened.

-Sir, sir, I need you to breathe and calm down, where are you?- Her voice was soft but still filled with preoccupation, Tyler breathed one, two times before giving the address to the operator—sir, a patrol is going on their way, they're really close, the paramedics too, now, just stay with me on the phone until someone comes, okay?- Tyler nodded even though the operator couldn't see him, letting a small "mhm" leave his lips as tears still ran down his eyes like cascades—now, what is your name?- She asked, probably to fill a form.

-Tyler Joseph-

-What's your boyfriend's name?-

-Jo-Joshua Dun-

-What did he do?-

-He—Tyler trailed off as he took one of the bottles that was near him, Ativan—he took Ativan- The operator went silent for a moment, Tyler could only hear a computer keyboard being pressed.

-How much did he took?-

-Three bottles- Was all he answered, he looked at the small stack of envelopes, was that Josh's suicide note?

-Sir, sir, was your boyfriend prescribed with Ativan-

-I...I don't know- Was he? Did Josh take Ativan? He didn't remember, all he could see was Josh on the floor, three empty bottles of pills around him, envelopes at his feet, did Josh take Ativan?

He heard steps going up the stairs, the police was here. Did Josh take Ativan?

Tyler didn't know what happened next, but he was in the living room, a group of paramedics next to him as they checked him, called his name, made him follow with the eyes someone's finger, lights being shoved at his face, a bottle of water being put in his hand, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He said Jenna's name at some point as a desperate looking Jenna was next to him moments after, hugging him and telling him everything was alright.

At some point, all the cops and paramedics left, only leaving him and Jenna alone, she said she was going to give him a moment to get a backpack with a change of clothes, so with a slow step he went to the second floor, and instead of going to the main room, he went where everything had happened, the envelopes still there, with shaky hands, Tyler took them, inspecting them, they all had names written on them: Mom, Dad, Jordan, Abbie, Ashley, Ruby, Jenna, The guys, and the last one had his name: Tyler. He opened it, taking out a neatly folded paper and unfolding it while walking towards the main room, sitting in the bed and reading it.

_"Dear love:_

_You're probably the one who found me, I'm so sorry for that, I really am, I never meant for that to happen to you._

_I wanted to have a future with you, have another kid, stay with Ruby every weekend, marry you, grow old together, but I couldn't, I just couldn't take it anymore._

_You don't have to blame anyone but me on this, this wasn't my parent's fault, this wasn't your fault, it was mine._

_I've always felt like this, ever since I was fifteen, my parents took me with therapists, I got medicated, I took it, it seemed fine, but...I still had it, deep inside me, the thought of just ending it all and stop being a burden. When I met you, these thoughts stopped, they did, I had happiness on my life for one, real happiness, but something happened, my family hates me now, they told me I'm a disgrace, that I can't be with a man, that that's disgusting, and I believed them, still do, I think it's not right for me to go out with men, I'm such an awful man, horrible, the worst of the worst, and I just couldn't take it anymore, Ruby helped me though, that little girl gives everyone so much happiness and joy, please never let anyone take that away from her._

_After this, I want you to keep on with your life, find another man, still be an amazing father to Ruby, like you have been until now, love her, love her like you haven't loved anyone in your life, love her more than you love me, more than you will ever love anyone, be that father she needs, that father that will make her proud, stay with her, tell her about life, how not to be afraid, to just be herself._

_Remember that I love you and that I wanted to do so much more, so much more in life, with you, with my siblings, with Ruby, with Jenna, with Dallon, Frank, Gerard, but I can't, I can't keep up._

_I love you, with all my heart, I will always be there with you, whenever you listen to that song we used to scream our lungs out in the car, I'm going to be there, screaming it with you, whenever you have to leave Ruby in the school, I'll be there, holding your hand, whenever you find someone else, I'll be there, looking into your eyes to see if they glow the same way they glowed when you see me._

_I love you, Tyler. Never forget that._

_I'm so, so sorry._

_Josh._

_Ps. The letter for Ruby is for when she turns sixteen"_

-Tyler?- Jenna called him, making him grab the nearest bag he had and putting all the envelopes inside, getting up and standing in front of the closet—you still haven't gotten your clothes?-

-Uh...I was just thinking, sorry- He put the first clothes he saw inside the bag.

They went back to Tyler's old house, that night, Tyler cried, cried until he fell asleep and his arms wrapped around a pillow of the bed in the guest's room.

He was going to miss Josh so much. Why did he do it? Why when he wanted to do so much with Tyler? Why?

He guessed he was only going to get the answer when he died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm so sorry.
> 
> but at least this hell of a fanfic is going to end soon, so don't worry.
> 
> love y'all <3


	13. A Car, A Torch, A Death

The funeral was simple, Josh was in his favorite suit, the one that he used whenever he wanted that day to be a good day, Tyler was sobbing uncontrollably along the other Dun brothers, hugging each other and asking why him out of all people. Josh's parents were there for only a few minutes, acting saddened and hugging everyone that gave them their condolences, but not even looking once at Josh, or showing genuine sadness or saying anything that was nice about their oldest son.

The day after that, Ruby had finally said "Joshie" pointing at a picture of him, smiling, Tyler had to go to another room, just so she didn't hear him cry.

In her first birthday, Tyler still felt sad about not having Josh with him on that day, but he still went with it, smiling genuinely at the way Ruby was having the time of her life in her first birthday. Jenna even introduced her to Ryan, a guy from work, he was nice and they exchanged numbers, but Tyler kind of felt like it was still too fast.

One day, six months after everything happened, Tyler had a free day, so he went with his car and drove to that empty parking lot he usually went to think by himself, when he reached it he stopped in the middle of the empty lots, turning the ignition off and walking out of the car, the light of the summer sun warming him, but the cool breeze making him shiver once in a while.

He thought about Josh, how he would've said something about the sun being amazing for his milky white skin or how he would've brought his skateboard and started skating all over the parking lot, telling Tyler how it reminded him about when he started to skate.

He missed Josh so much, even if six months had passed, he had talked with a few guys during that time, kissed them, had sex with them, probably have a second date, but it still felt like it was going nowhere, it didn't have the same spark as he had with Josh, the easiness he had to talk whenever Josh talked to him, it wasn't the same whenever he kissed another man, it didn't seem to match so perfectly like it did with Josh.

He remembered the note Josh left him, the part about Josh being with him everywhere, all the time, he sighed as he sat on the railings that protected the parking lot from the small cliff that was there.

-Do you remember the story I told you about this parking lot?- He asked to the air, hoping Josh would hear him—it was from a high-class supermarket, I used to come here with my brother when we got paid from doing small jobs in the neighborhood, we used to come here and buy these expensive sodas and sit on this same spot, facing the cliff as we drank our Sprites with fancier names- He laughed at the memory—but one day we came here and found a sign saying "closed" in big bold letters, we asked someone that was there what happened and they told us that the owner had sold the terrain to do a family restaurant, but the only thing they did was demolish the place, now we only have this parking lot- He sighed, starting to walk around the place, hoping Josh was next to him, listening to everything with a small smile—six months, I still miss you, Ruby does too, she sometimes sees me wearing one your shirts and asks "Joshie?" I don't think a one-year-old can understand death, so I simply say "he went on a trip, sweetie"...I still cry about you- He bit his cheek, hands going to the pocket of his jeans—I miss your little laughs, the way you held my hand, your sometimes stupid analogies about life, love, everything, I miss you playing your electric kit, or when you played in the music room for your students. They miss you too, the new teacher isn't like you, she's all serious and never smiles, I think she might also be older than our piano- He laughed, and a breeze came his way, Tyler took it as a laugh from Josh—yeah...look, I know you won't be able to answer this but, when you were alive, didn't somedays look dark even when the sun shone? Like...as is everything was literal black and you had to find some way to find a torch so you couldn't trip?- He sat crisscross on the pavement, feeling how hot it was under his jeans, but he didn't care—I feel like in these past months every day is like that, but I can't find a torch strong enough to keep the world lighten up- 

Tyler sighed again, looking up at the sky, it was blue, no cloud near.

-Sometimes I feel that as soon as you passed away, you went into my car and put your heart on the backseat, buckling it up and leaving it there so you can always be with me, because every time I try to let you go, to move on, like you said, something brings me closer to you, and it always happens whenever I'm driving- He felt a colder breeze hit his neck—sorry about that- He said as he thought the breeze was Josh, buffing at him and saying his poetic stuff about being selfish for once—I was thinking about leaving- He said, looking at his hands—leaving this place and moving anywhere nobody can recognize me- Tyler licked his lips—I was thinking England, I always liked England, it seems like a beautiful country- He put his hands up in defense, as if Josh was starting to reproach him about leaving Ruby all alone—I know, I know, I would leave Ruby, but I think it would be the best for her, Jenna is the best mother ever and Daniel, her boyfriend, is going to be a better father than me, they would let her have a complete family, the one she needs and deserves, and I...I can start from zero, a new name, a new place, a new profession, I was thinking a piano teacher, do you like it?- He waited a few seconds, to let Josh respond—I like it, I can have my own piano on my little apartment and teach kids how to play guitar solos on piano- He laughed as he figured it on his mind.

The sun was still shining and Tyler was starting to regret that he didn't have brought water.

-Death...such a weird thing, right? One day your heart stops beating and...bam, you're no longer alive, you're dead...I wonder if there is actually anything after life, you know, heaven, hell, ghosts, reincarnations, all of that, is it true? False? Something in between? I will only know when I day- His hands went to the concrete, feeling it burn his palms—I wish you could answer, you would clear me up from so many things, but you can't-

He stayed silent for a few moments, taking in all the scenery, the sky, the green grass, the soft breeze, the chirp of the birds and the oh so rare car that passed through the driveway in front of him.

-Don't you miss it?- He asked Josh, hoping yet again he would answer, asking "what?" and looking at him with a cocked eyebrow—you know...being alive, going to work, coming here and just feeling the breeze, or going to that pool we went with the guys for the weekend, seeing Frank and Gerard's kids play in the Marco-Polo on the pool with us, or just play drums, don't you really miss it? Or is everything better where you are now?- He looked straight at the driveway, his eyes focusing in the asphalt and white lines painted on it, the parking lot floor was still burning him under his jeans—I want to hear your voice once again- Tyler said helplessly, sighing, his hand wanted to go to his pocket where his phone was, go to the videos app and search for all the videos he had from Josh, all the videos he had taken when Josh wasn't paying attention or when they wanted to do random stuff—I miss your laugh, it was beautiful, and when you used to swear when you stubbed your toe or messed something up, it was so funny, I miss the way you called me pet names, it sounded so genuine and special, but now it gone- Tyler stayed in silence, his hands wrapping around himself.

After what seemed hours, he finally stood up, walking around the parking lot once again.

-I think I'm actually going to leave, like, for real- He said more to himself—at the end, your brothers and I decided to sell the house, I have my small apartment near the school, so all I would have to do is pack, buy a one way ticket and say my good-byes- He said pacing from one side to the other of the parking lot—run away and never come back, it sound...relieving, just me, in a new place, change my identity, make new friends, do you like it?- When no breeze or sound came he let out a sigh—you can't answer, right, you're probably not even here and I'm going crazy, shit, okay, I should probably go back home-

But he didn't even move towards his car. Instead, Tyler went back to the small metal fence that separated him from that cliff, it was filled of green grass and different flowers, it lead to a forest that he and his brother used to go in the summer, adventure, explore, scrap their knees, do things kids do.

He hesitated before going over the fence, his feet landing on the soft grass, he started walking front, until he was at the edge of the cliff, he sat there, taking one of the small flowers in his hand, his eyes inspecting it, the yellow petals were soft and looked like silk, he knew the name, it was a barren strawberry, Josh taught him the name when they had just met, it was a sunny afternoon, they were walking towards the supermarket to buy a hair dye for Josh, while they walked they talked about different subjects about work, touching the subject of how Josh would get used to working with them, that all the teachers weren't that bad as they seemed, especially the elder ones. It was then that Tyler's eyes landed to a small bush of flowers of pretty yellow petals, he said something about the flowers being pretty and Josh told him the name.

-Strawberry barren's- Josh said, making Tyler look up at him.

-Huh?-

-That's their name, strawberry barren's, they're wildflowers- Josh took one of the flowers out of the bush, giving it to Tyler with a warm smile—they're yellow here in America, but in Europe they're white, really pretty to look at- Tyler looked at the flower in an astonished way, not believing Josh had given him a flower, what did that mean?—okay, I was kind of saying the whole 'really pretty to look at' thing as a more just taking a simple look, not staring as it was the most beautiful thing you ever saw in your life- Tyler blushed, lowering his hand and starting to walk again.

-Shut up-

Josh only laughed.

-Do you think there are strawberry barren's in England?- Tyler asked again, staring at the flower with a small smile—because if there are I would just fill my house with them- Tyler looked up at the sky, light yellows and oranges starting to blend in the blue, how much time did he spend there?

He decided to let the flower back in the grass, getting up and walking back to the parking lot, getting inside his car and turning on the engine, the music on the radio started playing, it was from a song that had just come out, it was catchy, had been on Tyler's head for weeks.

He started driving back to his new apartment, humming the songs that came on the radio, hoping that Josh was singing along, or tapping a beat on his legs, saying that the song that was on the radio was amazing.

That night, Tyler decided that he would leave, leave the country, be someone new, if he couldn't forget Josh now, maybe by being someone else he could, and be might be right, maybe Daniel would be a better father for Ruby than him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's so little of this story left that i decided to post a new chapter every other day, so don't worry, because this hell is about to end soon ;)
> 
> and thanks to everyone that has been reading, i love you all <3


	14. Trapdoor

In two months, Tyler had gathered enough money to buy a plane ticket and to have an apartment, it was on London, it seemed cozy and it had a beautiful piano on one of the rooms, it belonged to an elderly couple that had a grandchild that wanted to learn how to play piano, so there was his first work.

He wasn't going to tell anyone about when or where he was leaving, he hadn't even told Dallon or Gerard and Frank, he was going to just disappear, say goodbye to everyone one last time and go into that plane and never come back.

First, he said goodbye to his friends, it was on Friday, all of them had finished their work and decided to go to a restaurant to have dinner, it was amazing, Tyler was glad this was going to be the last memory he had about them.

-So, Ty, are you going to have Ruby for the weekend?- Frank asked, shoving a handful of fries onto his mouth, Gerard shook his head at his husband demeanor.

-No, I'm actually going somewhere over the weekend, I want to have some alone time, but before I go I'll spend some time with Ruby- He said, not telling them where he was actually going, that he was leaving them forever.

-Oh, I'm glad man, go get your alone time, you need it, work's stressing you out lately- Dallon said happily, it was kind of a lie, he wasn't stressed about work, but because of leaving everyone and trying to figure out how he would survive in a place where he was literally wasn't even going to be himself.

And about that, he still didn't have a new name. He thought he was going to find it in the exact moment.

Next, was his family, he went to his siblings houses first, saying to them that he just wanted to see them, they had a cup of coffee, talked for a while and with that, he was gone, he almost cried when Maddie told him that he should go to the family reunion that was happening next week. He decided to just call his parents, tell them he was going to go out of the city for the weekend and that's why he won't answer his phone.

The next day he went to Jenna's house, she opened the door in her pajamas, a sleepy smile on her face.

-Hey, Ty, why are you here? You told me that you were going to be out for the weekend- She said opening the door further so Tyler could go in, which he did, going with her to the living room.

-Oh, I felt bad for going out of the city without seeing my little gem one last time- He said smiling, Jenna nodded and disappeared in the second floor, going to get Ruby, the both went down after a few moments, Ruby was on her pretty pastel blue pajamas, her sleepy expression making Tyler laugh—hi, Ruby- Ruby said a soft "daddy" before making grabby hands and leaning forward so Tyler would grab her, which he did, smiling widely and taking her.

-She adores you so much- Jenna said with a smile, sitting down on the opposite couch, crossing one leg over the other.

-And I adore her- He set Ruby down on his lap, looking at Jenna sadly—I have something to tell you- Jenna frowned at him, her body expressing worriedness.

-Is everything alright?-

-Jen I...I'm leaving- He said softly.

-Yeah, I know-

-But...for an indefinite time- Jenna looked at him, she had a quizzed look on her face.

-What...what do you mean?-

-I'm just leaving, everything's too much in this place, so I want to stay in another place, breath a new air, you know?- She nodded hesitantly, her hands going to her lap, Tyler reached for the pocket of his pants, taking out an envelope, showing it to Jenna, who took it and read the front.

-This is from Josh- She said when she saw the handwriting in which her daughter's name was written.

-Yeah, it was one of the letters he left, he told me that she should read it when she turns sixteen- She nodded, understanding what he meant and putting it on top of the coffee table.

-Are you ever going to come back?- Tyler shrugged—can I know where are you going?-

-Somewhere new- She bit her lips and nodded, a sad smile on her face.

-We're going to really miss you-

-I'm going to miss you too- They stayed silent for a moment—I want you to do me a favor-

-Anything-

-Can you please not tell anyone that I'm going away?- He asked, Jenna looked at him blankly, before nodding.

-My mouth's a seal- Her eyes went to the kitchen door—I'm going to make breakfast, you stay with Ruby-

Tyler played for one last time with his daughter one last time, taking in every laugh she made, trying to burn it into his mind, hoping it would stay there forever.

The three of them had breakfast together, and when it finished, Tyler and Jenna hugged each other tightly, Jenna told him that she will never forget him and that she would always tell Ruby about how amazing he was, Tyler laughed and said that he was never going to forget about them, that they would always have a special place on his heart, and after he kissed Ruby on the head and gave her one last hug, he went back to his car, driving to one last place before getting his bags and going to the airport.

The worker at the flower shop asked him to who was that bouquet of roses, he said it was for a special one that he hadn't seen in a long time, she smiled at him and wished him good luck, which he accepted and drove to the cemetery.

Cemeteries were never a place Tyler liked to go, they kind of scared him because he was afraid a ghost or demon was going to show up and take his body so they could live in it, and they also saddened him, seeing the dates of birth and death, seeing all those "loving mother/father husband/ wife sister/brother" or different quotes that were probably significant to the person, but now he was at one, and even if the sun was shining brightly and he could hear birds chirping, he still felt like if everything was painted with a tint of sadness, depression and bad feelings, he walked with heavy steps towards where he thought Josh was buried, taking turns and turns until he found the plaque that read "Joshua William Dun" He kneeled in front of it, putting the flowers on top of it.

-Hi, love- Tyler said with a sad smile—so, guess what? I'm leaving- He said with a sigh—I'm actually going to England, I already have an apartment and somewhat of a job, let's hope everything goes alright- He scratched the back of his neck, swallowing hard—this is the last time I'm going to be here actually, never coming back, sorry for that- He said, feeling Josh's eyes on him—I wanted to take a part of you with me, so I hope you don't mind I'm taking some of your clothes and collection of bowties, and also some of your notebooks that have some music annotations, I think they're going to be useful- Tyler passed with his fingers the inscription of Josh's name, he liked Josh's full name, it seemed so professional or classy—my flight goes off in three hours more, so I have time to tell you some last things before I go-

Tyler finally sat on the grass, it was wet, Tyler didn't question it and still sat, staring at the plaque as it was Josh's actual face.

-If I'm true to you, I've never loved someone as hard as I loved you, I still love you, it still hurts to wake up and not have you by my side, go to work and you not coming on your free time to watch me pass class, I really miss our dates of just staying in the living room and watching movies, I really miss you, but I have to move on, finally, finally, I will never forget you, though, but I just can't make myself a salve of a love that has already happened. You're always going to be the first, but I won't limit myself to you also being the last, but I do hope you are there with me like you said in your letter...I hope you can be there with me in England, I'm sure you'll love it- Tyler fell silent, taking his phone out of his pocket and looking at the time, he guessed he should start to get his things ready—I'll go now, goodbye, Josh, remember that I love you and that you were the best boyfriend anyone could've asked for- Tyler got up and started walking out of the cemetery, taking turns and probably losing himself a bit more than he already was, and as he took a turn thinking he was finally finding the exit, he tripped, his hands stopped him from going face first to the wet grass, and after catching his breath and processing what had happened, he stood up, looking at what made him trip. It was a plaque, it was old, the date read 25 years ago, the name was John Averson, Tyler stared at it John Averson, died 25 years ago, John Averson, 25 years ago. John Averson.

He found it, he found the name.

He went back to his apartment, taking out his three suitcases and closing the door for one last time, he left the keys with the doorman and went to the airport, he called the new owner of his car, who said was right around the corner, and three minutes later, she got there, she was twenty one and needed a car that helped her to go from her house, to campus and to her little brothers middle school, she took the car with a smile, hugged Tyler and went off from the airport. Tyler put his phone in airplane mode and waited until his flight was called, and when he got inside the plane, he plugged in his earphones and took out a book he had taken from Dallon's collection of books for students. It was called All My Sons, it was written by Arthur Miller, a play about World War Two. That was enough to get Tyler interested, he was sure Dallon wouldn't mind if one book went missing.

By the time he got to London, he had read half of the book and his phone battery was at thirteen percent, he got his suitcases and took the first taxi he found, told the driver the address and got to his new apartment, he was greeted by the elderly couple, they made him tea, told him he was going to drink a lot of it from now, he laughed and said that he liked tea, soon enough, the couple left, leaving him alone in the new apartment ('flat' as they called it there) and he called the girl that was going to give him his new papers, she was a Japanese student that was studying criminology, he told her his new name and she said she would come back in a week with all the papers, he thanked her and he went to the main room, he saw a king-sized bed and sat in there, he took his phone out of his pocket, still in flight mode, he turned it off, taking the chip out, leaving it over the nightstand, he was going to buy a new phone number tomorrow.

He spent the rest of the day trying to fight away jetlag by getting everything out of his suitcases and putting them on their new respective places. When he finished he saw it was just ten p.m. so he went upstairs and found the piano that had interested him, it was a wall piano, made out of red wood and it looked in amazing conditions. Tyler sat on the stool and his fingers brushed the keys, he learned how to play back when he was a teenager, his mom had given him a keyboard for Christmas and he had played in his free time, it was his own way of letting out what he felt, by making sounds in a keyboard, that somehow seemed logical to him. He stopped when he got that scholarship for basketball in his senior year of high school, his oh so adored keyboard passed to be another object that just made space on his closet and collected dust, but when he met Josh, he started passing more time in the music classroom, which actually ended in him playing the piano a lot, Josh taught him a little bit more about how music worked and soon enough, Tyler was desiring to buy a keyboard so he could play once again in his house, and now, he was going to make a living out of it—hopefully—

-

A year, two, three, slowly, they summed up to be fifteen years, fifteen years since Tyler Joseph was now John Averson, a name he picked out from a grave, sixteen years since he hadn't found love, ever since Josh, he wasn't able to find anything remotely serious in love, all he had were just one night stands, simple flings, no matter how much he tried to give to other men his heart, be vulnerable like he was before, it was impossible, it didn't matter how much time passed, he still had Josh in his mind. He even had found the first man he fell in love with, they found each other on a pride day, it was Tyler's fifth year in London, he was a teacher on a small music academy and he had gone to the parade with his friend, and it surprised him when someone called him by Tyler, it had been so long since someone called him that, he had assumed that everyone presumed him dead, that he had just disappeared and he had died in some freak accident; but when he heard someone coming directly to him yelling "Tyler! Tyler! Oh God, is that you? Tyler!" He turned around and saw him.

-Brendon?- He had asked, and the other man nodded happily, God, he was still gorgeous.

But it didn't go further than a five month relationship.

When the fifteen year mark came, he noticed that he truly wasn't happy, it had all been a waste. He wondered how Ruby was, how much she must've grown, how his family and friends were, if people still left flowers at Josh's grave, or if they still cared about him.

He went back to starting point, he was just living to live, everyday wearing a new mask to convey happiness, but coming back to his house and crying himself to sleep because he was now the unhappiest person in the world.

Tyler Joseph was now dead, and John Averson was an unhappy man, at the end of everything, he still fell into the same routine he had before, all the happiness he had in his life was brief, and it was too late to go back to see if he could still find joy in what once he despised.

But nobody knows he's alive.

THE END

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this is the final chapter! I'm going to publish the prologue in Christmas day, so take that as my Christmas gift for you all
> 
> Anyways, thanks for reading this mess and happy holidays to you all <33
> 
>  
> 
> (Also, let's take a moment to appreciate the fact that josh is now engaged and the pictures are the cutest thing ever)


	15. Twenty One Pilots

_"Ruby:_

_You might be sixteen now, let's hope your dad does give you this when you actually turn sixteen._

_Anyway, hi, I'm Josh, I think you might not remember me, I was you dad's boyfriend._

_I want to tell you something, something you might or might not know: Life's hard, stupidly hard. Life will throw punches at you and you have two options, throw punches back at it, fight, and prove that you're superior, or simply let those hits get to you until you get thrown into a trash bin._

_I choose the second option._

_I was weak, I tried to fight back, but sadly, at one point I decided to stop fighting, but let me tell you, when you were a little baby, you made me fight back, you and your dad were my last strength, and I will always be oh so grateful for that._

_I know that somedays you might get sad, angry, you won't understand yourself at first, and I get that, get it so perfectly, your dad does too, we both understand, we both know how much it hurts to not be accepted and how it hurts to not even know what you want yourself, or how you feel._

_This might be a little obvious, but it doesn't hurt to tell, your dad's gay, he never liked that word though, he told me once that he felt as if you didn't have to put words for what kind of people you like, he said he liked men, not gay, I found it amusing. Your dad's a very poetic person for being a gym teacher._

_He said once that before meeting me, he went in a line, a line that was in the middle of a beach, in that line, people went looking down, not admiring the beautiful scenery they had displayed around them, but the people outside the line go around admiring the scenery, walking, running, dancing, they can do anything they want, and I want you to be outside of the line, I want you to do whatever you want to do in life, love whoever you want, live however you want, trust me, you're going to be so happy if you are outside of the line._

_Ruby, when you were born, people told your mom and your dad that you were a blessing, and trust me when I say this, you were, are and will be a blessing for everyone, I hope that you're always aware of that and no matter what, you are such a sweet girl, full of joy and happiness, you deserve the world and so much more, Ruby, I love you to bits._

_I wish we could've get to know each other better, I bet we could've been good friends._

_With love, Joshie"_

Ruby finished reading, a small smile on her face, she looked at the album photo that was on her lap and pointed at the man with bright pink hair.

-That's Josh, right?- She asked her mom, she nodded, smiling nostalgically.

-That's Josh-

-And what happened to my dad?- She asked, every time she tried to get to know it, her mother used to change the subject.

-I guess I should tell- She said, her hands over her lap—your dad...he came in one day, you were one, he said he wanted to spend some time with you, and after that he told me he was leaving, he didn't say where, all he said was that he wanted to breathe new air, get alone time, Josh...he had killed himself six months before that, and he still couldn't get over it, again, he just left and never called back, but I promised him to always tell you that he was the sweetest man in the world- Ruby hummed, setting the letter on the coffee table, the doorbell rang, the teenager went to open the door, a boy a bit taller than her with brown hair and brown eyes stood there, wrapped around in a winter jacket and scarf, she smiled and hugged him.

-Hi, Tyler- She said, the boy hugging back.

-Happy birthday, Ruby- He said happily—so, I don't have your originally planned gift in this moment, trust me, I'm working on it- He apologized as they walked back inside the house, Ruby's mom greeting him with a smile, saying she was going to start with the hot chocolate.

-You better have a good improvised gift then-she said as they sat on the couch, Tyler took out a book from his winter jacket giving it to her, she took it on her hands, inspecting it All My Sons by Arthur Miller—okay...an old book-

-Remember that man I told you my older brother passed piano classes with?-

-Yeah, John, right?-

-Him, so, he gave me this book when I was ten, right before coming here, he said he stole it from a friends collection and read it while he was on the plane on his way to London, I've already read it a million times, and I want you to do the same- While he was explaining this, Ruby was checking the pages, stopping when she saw a highlighted sentence:

_He killed twenty one pilots._

-Why is this highlighted?- She asked, showing the sentence to Tyler, he looked at it and nodded.

-John highlighted it, I asked the same, he told me that when he read this play he was starting a new life, and somehow that meant a lot to him, it's kind of a spoiler, so I'm going to keep shut until you read the book- Ruby was about to complain, but decided against it as a question popped up on her head.

-Hey, you never told me the story about your big brother's piano teacher, everyone says it's amazing-

-Oh, yeah, well, I'll try to just make it simple, so, he lived here in America, he was married and had a wife, but he wasn't happy with her, he was gay, but he didn't want to cheat on her, but one day, a new teacher came into his work, they fell in love, his wife was pregnant, so he felt guilty about having an affair, but he couldn't help it, he was so happy with his lover that he just kept it secret until one point, where he finally divorced his wife and went to love with his boyfriend, but after some time, his boyfriend killed himself, so, he couldn't take it anymore and decided to move to England, he said his name wasn't John, he actually found it on a grave when he visited his boyfriend's for the last time, and well, my grandparents rented him their house and now...now he's just a piano teacher- Ruby listened to everything carefully, and at the end she somehow felt familiarity, but she ignored it, instead listening to her best friend continue—your actual birthday gift is actually his story in songs-

-Really?- She asked excitedly, Tyler nodded.

-Yeah, a fourteen track CD recorded on my basement, you're going to love it- He said with pride, making Ruby laugh.

-You're so prideful- Ruby's mom appeared with two cups of hot chocolate.

-The first batch's here, hope you like it-

-Ms. Black, your cooking's the best, I don't have to taste this to know that this chocolate tastes like heaven- Tyler mused, taking one of the cups and giving a sip to it—delicious! As always-

-Oh, Tyler, you're so sweet- Ruby's mom said with a smile—do you guys want anything else before the rest comes?-

-I'm fine, what about you, Ty?- Ruby asked her best friend, who took another sip of the hot chocolate.

-I'm perfect with the hot chocolate- Ruby's mom left them alone once again, and Ruby asked the question she had in mind before her mom had come into the room.

-So, does the fourteen track CD has a name yet?-

-Yeah, actually it has the name of something from the book-

-All My Sons?- She guessed, Tyler shook his head.

-Twenty One Pilots-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's the ending, hope you liked this mess, grammatical errors and all, but anyways, hope you had a nice Christmas or holidays
> 
> again, thanks for reading this, you mean a lot to me <3

**Author's Note:**

> Also, this is posted on Wattpad too, if you feel better reading it there, it's: Self-Titled || Joshler || by TheLazyCat, and yes, I'm the author.


End file.
